People will inevitably ask me, and I will more than likely say "I have no idea," which - at that moment in time - will not be a lie. But right now, I do have ideas, so I'm putting them down here. Don't ask me what I want; it's all below. If you can't get me any of those things, get me a gift card for somewhere where I can acquire said items. Williams Sonoma is preferred above all others. Wal-Mart is unacceptable.
- Ramekins! Don't need to be fancy, but I'd like about a dozen if possible.
- A silpat. There have been far too many times where I've thought "I'm going to make cookies/biscuits/something awesome" and realized my parents only ever have wax paper, not parchment paper (and I'm really forgetful, so I never remember to buy any). I'd like cookies that don't taste like crayons, plz & thx.
- A Dutch oven. Even just a small one, but it'd be fucking awesome to have one, I've wanted one for a while but I hate splurging on myself.
- Round cutters, like the kind for cookies and biscuits and the like. I only really need one, when it comes down to it, since...that makes sense. Seasonal cookie cutters are also welcome, but by the time you give me a Christmas present it'll probably be a little late.
- Pastry cutter! I have made all my pastry dough by hand to date, which is why I've only ever made, like, 4 pies, despite the fact that everyone loves pies.
- A set of nice whisks, preferably including a mini one. I used to have some shitty ones from Target but I used them so much I broke one and the others just got worn down and sad. I bought a nice silicone one but I miss whisking with stainless steel. I don't know there's just something more efficient about it, or it seems that way to me.
- A tart or quiche pan. It's just not the same trying to make a tart in a pie or cake pan.
- A springform pan. I've never attempted a cheesecake because I lack this vital tool. Unless there is another way to make a cheesecake without a springform pan, in which case PLEASE LET ME KNOW because my mom would go nuts if I made cheesecake. We'd also all get really, really fat in a couple weeks time but it'd be worth it. Mmm cheesecake.
That's all I can think of for now, but if anything comes to mind I'll be sure to add it to this list since I know people get upset with me every year for saying "I DON'T KNOWWWW."
it's been over a year since my last post. i don't really know how to sum up a year.
i graduated. i have a B.S. i'm 21. people refer to me as a "woman" now instead of a "girl." i find that strange and it makes me uncomfortable.
peter and i celebrated 3 years together in october. it's been wonderful. i found the love of my life and i'm thankful for it every day. i know how lucky i am and i'm grateful. i didn't used to believe in love. i used to be bitter, and angry, and cynical, and made fun of people for being cheesy. now i'm the one making googly eyes, and you know what? it's great. more than great. there aren't strong enough words to describe how happy i am about him, and us.
i'm living with my parents again. i vowed sometime in college to never move back in with them, that they were toxic, this place was toxic. being here still makes me depressed as hell, and brings back a lot of old emotions that i've tried to bury/recover from, but i'm doing well, i think. i went to therapy for a while. i'm not sure how i feel about it. one of the people i saw helped, the latest one not so much. i haven't been in about a month but i'm debating going back just...idk, just 'cause. i cry a lot. it's getting old.
my relationship with my dad is still crappy. it makes me sad but it's just a part of my life, at this point. i don't care enough to do anything about it, and all the ways i have of potentially dealing with it are too touchy-feely. we don't talk about our emotions in this family. mine will be different, i swear. i don't want my kids to ever be scared of me. respectful, yes. frightened, no.
oh yeah, i want kids now. i want a family. i want the white picket fence. sometimes i want to be the stay at home mom who cleans all day and has the house smelling like apple pie, not bc of some glade candle or plug-in, but because i baked it from scratch before everyone gets home. sometimes i want to be the single-minded neurologist, lost in a world of neural connections and disorders and diseases, oblivious to the world around them. i have these two passions and i don't know how to reconcile them. ah, the plight of women in this age. now i know what everyone was talking about and it sucks.
i'm applying to med school again. things are going much better this time around. i won't say anything in more detail than that because i'm superstitious, but once may 15 rolls around i'll probably update about where i decide to go.
my schedule's pretty chill right now. i go to research 3-5 days a week, pretty much whenever i feel like it. i stay until 6 or 7 so i don't have to sit in too much traffic, and have to spend a minimal amount of time at home. on wednesdays i go to cuidar, we work with preschool aged children. it's kind of like babysitting which is awesome. i'm going to start working for choc, at radio lollipop. i have a choc mug from my orientation. it's big and i make ovaltine in it and it makes me happy. i get to see peter almost every day, which is...awesome, to say the least.
i don't have a lot to complain about, and a lot to be happy for. sometimes it's hard to remember that, though.
idk if i'll be updating regularly. i kind of forgot this existed. i like this layout a lot, though. peter made it for me a long time ago. it's cold, and i should go to bed.
Um, I missed all of October. Happy Halloween! I didn't do anything as I had to get up on Nov. 1st at 4am for research.
It's not that nothing has been happening in my life. But I feel like even though things are happening, I, as a person, am remaining stagnant.
But things are going to change. I can feel it.
This is a very good article concerning cancer prevention. Read it.
I'm still alive. That is all.
I miss my dadaji.
I've been listening to one song which makes me think of him a lot. Not for any specific reason directly related to him, he's never heard it and he probably wouldn't like it much if he listened to it anyway. But I like to put it on repeat for a dozen times or so and just lay back and close my eyes and think.
I miss feeling like my life was going somewhere.
Wow, I kind of did forget this blog existed. My bad.
I am:
- losing weight (again..hrm)
- applying to med schools! oh so exhilarating, and scary
- watching lots of X Files in prep for the 2nd movie
- not sleeping at night (again :/)
I don't know. Life is really busy right now, I'm overwhelmed with work, research, applications, other projects.
I'll make a real update eventually.
She tried to recognize
The face behind her lies.
She cut herself right open wide,
And found nothing left inside.
When I feel like people are watching me when I'm doing normal everyday things, like walking from one place to another, I start talking to myself and for some reason I always say numbers. "24 out of 36 people blah blah blah." What the fuck, right?
So it's been a while. What have I been up to? Boatloads!
I started doing research at the CDC, for a new drug for ADHD. I love it. I honestly fucking love it. The people there are really great, I'm finally exposed to clinical research which is a first for me, and it's something I can add to my resume. And it is just a lot of fun. It takes up pretty much all my free time since I started late in the quarter because of the MCAT and I need to make up all those hours I missed, on top of my normal hours. But it's ok, I suppose, since I enjoy it.
I took the MCAT. My life didn't feel much better after that. I'm just about done with my personal statement for med schools, have a rough draft of all my secondaries and my experience list, which I really should work on but I'll get to it later. I've got a list of schools I'm applying to. I've asked the majority of people I want a letter of rec from to write one for me. There's only two people left I have to ask - my supervisor at research, who I'll ask on Friday, and my neuro professor right now, who I have no idea when to ask because I never have time to go to his office hours because of research. Dilemma, dilemma. I'm freaking out about that last one, really. I also need to call someone about a letter of rec b/c I asked her for one and we played phone tag for a while and since then I haven't really made an effort to make contact which, yes, makes me a horrible person, but I'm pretty sure she'll still write me a good letter b/c she's pretty awesome like that. I think I'm going to take her out to dinner on Sunday so we can talk about it.
Classes are going pretty well. I'm only taking two lectures and two labs, and I'm actually not swamped in terms of classes alone. I will be, once finals roll around, but for now I've got pretty much everything under control.
Work is decent. I feel really bad because I asked my adviser to write me a letter of rec, but this quarter has been a wreck for me so I've had to cancel a couple sessions and I missed one because of a flat tire. But I've never been iffy about holding a makeup session, and I've made up everything that I've had to cancel. But I think my reviews at the end of the quarter will be good, and she seems to be understanding about it all.
Med school apps are supposedly made available tomorrow. MCAT scores are supposedly made available in about a week. I am seriously on edge about both these things, although the app really shouldn't be bad since I've done the hardest part already - the personal statement. It's the MCAT score I'm worried about. If that's not solid, then I'm probably going to postpone applying for a year, which I really, REALLY do not want to do. I don't want to take a year off or spend another year finishing up a master's or anything. I want to be in med school NOW. I've dreamed about it for so long, it's the only thing I think about. Well, that, and my PhD. I honestly have dreams about being a grad student. I actually couldn't sleep Sunday night because I kept waking up every 30 minutes thinking "OH SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE MY THESIS PAPER." Which is ridiculous because my PhD is WAYY down the line, I have to finish my MD first, but still. Crazy!
I plan on working and doing research this summer, and I'm not taking class. I'm not taking class. I'm not taking summer school. Wow. I'm actually kind of nervous and I'm thinking about enrolling in a class each session JUST BECAUSE I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT FREE TIME. But doing that would mean graduating early. The school's really intent on getting rid of me. I keep getting emails and phone calls and letters about graduating, and Sherry told me they don't want me to stay another year because I have too many damn units. Haha! Work and research will keep me occupied, but not busy. I can't remember the last time I HAVEN'T been busy. Even over spring and winter break, I'm always busy. It's going to be very, very strange.
I dunno how I feel. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I'm not content, but I'm not discontent. I'm just kind of...taking it day by day. I do love all the things I'm doing. I love my job, as exhausting as it can be. I love research. I love the classes I'm taking. There is nothing else I'd rather be doing with my life right now. To be honest, if I could be a student for the rest of my life, I might not even mind it that much. Maybe after I do the whole research hospital thing I'll be a professor. Hurray, stuck in college life forever! What a dream.
I guess I'm in a good place. I'm just tired. But it's worth it.