Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
i really want to wander around in a forest. i can't wait until spring when everything is in bloom. there's lots of nature around here and i plan to be in it, a lot. i am restless with the grey and the brown and the being inside all the fucking time. and when i go for long walks on days where it's not so bad out, it's in the neighborhood around my apartment, which is nice, but also right next to the freeway. i want to get away. i've heard from several people that hocking hills is nice. i also haven't been horseriding in years and years, so i think i will go when i am there. i miss the smell of horses. some people don't like it but i think it's very sweet. like...sugary sweet. i don't know, not like candy but it's the sweetest thing i have ever smelt, or maybe what i imagine something sweet should smell like. either way it makes me happy.
i used to be really into doctors without borders, before i actually came to med school. i kind of...forgot about them. but someone was talking about it today and i think i'd still like to join them. it's hard because there's all these things i want to do in terms of my career. i mean, if i'm going to do it, i might as well do it right, right? i want to go to third world countries, i want to help people who can't get help because of circumstances beyond their control. i want to make a difference in a world where people just don't think differences can be made. i have wanderlust, and i want to not be in a city where people are just so...i don't know, blind, i guess.
but on the other hand, i want to be with peter. and i want to have a family. and i want a little cottage where i can have my own garden and eat what i grow and be near a farm so i can get fresh, natural meat and dairy and etc. etc.
and then...i do also like the city. i like the noise and i like the lights and i like the crowding of so many people, piling up on top of each other in skyrises.
i love peter, but sometimes i wish i had never fallen in love because it mucked everything up. i wasn't supposed to be at ohio state, i was supposed to be at harvard or john's hopkins or mayo clinic or something. and i really do know that i have what it takes, but i got distracted from school by things that i said were "more important." and i guess they are. part of me thinks that they are, otherwise i wouldn't have let it take up so much of my time and attention. but part of me misses the way i used to be, when i didn't care about the people in my life, when all i cared about was working and being the fucking best.
i've been saying i'm having a "quarter life crisis" for some months now. i wonder when that will stop and when i will figure out what i really want.