Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
i've been really disappointed in myself lately. several people have told me that i'm too hard on myself and i need to cut it out, but i'm having a hard time doing that because i don't feel like i deserve it.
so i had originally scheduled my exams (cardio & resp) on friday & monday. thursday night i didn't feel prepared AT ALL, so i pushed it back to mon/tues. i spent friday and saturday relaxing, and i definitely should not have. friday i knew i was going to, but saturday i really wanted to work. i was just so exhausted i couldn't focus so i thought if i took another day off, i would be mentally refreshed.
sunday came around...exhausted still. pushed my test back to tues/wed. and so on and so on, until now my test is scheduled for thurs/fri. and i am not pushing it back any more.
but idk. i've been so tired lately it's really strange. i'll sleep 9 hours at night and then still feel like taking 2 naps through the day, an hour each. i have a doctor's appointment scheduled on thursday to get some blood tests and see what is going on because i'm starting to get worried. but because of this exhaustion, i haven't been focusing as well as i normally do, and while i do feel ready for cardio, i need a couple extra days to study for resp, which is why i pushed it back another set of days.
part of me is hoping something shows up on my blood tests, because then at least this exhaustion won't be just in my head or me being lazy. because that's what i feel like now. like...how could i let myself keep falling behind? this isn't like me at all. and i was pushing to take it EARLY, when i originally scheduled my test.
the whole point of me wanting to do this is so that i can get through as much of the next block as possible before i go home, so that while i'm home (first 10 days of april) i wouldn't have to study, or at the least, do some light review, but not actual hard work. but at this rate, i'm not going to have a choice. i'm going to have to work while i'm at home. and i mean, i can't feel sorry for myself about it because it's my own fault. because i've just been so...off.
idk i just am really frustrated with myself right now and i can't understand what is going on. this isn't supposed to happen.
the only solution i can think of is to push myself harder. no more breaks, no more mercy, no more "i deserve to take this day off." no more. no more socializing, no more trying to pretend i can have a balanced life. i've never been able to balance my life anyway, what made me think i could do it now? besides, i'm here to learn. i'm here for my education. i'm not here to be a social butterfly, or go to medprom, or get wasted every weekend. i am here to learn, to kick ass, and go back home.