wacky and irrelevent

2011-10-10T17:36:00.001-07:00

things i will do once this set of exams is over.

- read I Shall Wear Midnight
- read Snuff
- go for a walk
- go for a run
- buy groceries
- make something delicious for myself
- make something delicious for other people
- start cardio x.x

2011-09-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

i'm at an interesting, confusing, exciting point in my life right now.

M2 is a lot harder than M1. the material is more dense, there is less time to learn it in, and everything seems to be moving faster.

i've started working out, semi-regularly. i'm sick of being out of shape, and i really want to be strong. really, really strong. i want to be able to run further, kick more ass than i already do, you know how it goes. i'm too young to feel this shitty.

i'm also pretty certain that i have delayed sleep phase syndrome, because it pretty much explains my entire life. i'm not sure what i'm going to do about it. i could try light therapy but honestly i don't feel like it's that big of a deal that my personal sleep schedule doesn't match up with what society expects from me. i'll probably feel differently once i start M3, but for now i'm just going to keep going the same way i always have because i happen to like my life. sometimes the cracks from other people are fucking annoying (ohh, natasha's out in the daytime...ohh, you're here at the library late...ohh blah blah blah) but i need to just forget the haters and keep on with my bad self.

what else what else. peter & i have our 5 year anniversary next month. things have been a little rough lately because i feel like our lives are moving in different directions and it's scary, but i'm not going to run away from it. we'll work through this and come out even more badass than we already are.

and that's pretty much it. my life consists primarily of studying, working out, eating, and talking to my boyfriend. sometimes it makes me sad, because i crave something more, but i know that it will come with time.

OH YEAH. i forgot some important things. since my last post:
- i went home for 2 weeks last summer and had a fucking blast (as always)
- i went to tanzania for 3 weeks and had a fucking blast
- my bf visited me in cbus for my 23rd bday and it was fantastic
- i moved out of my studio apt & into a house with 3 other girls that are M2's, all from california, but they're all IP students...can't decide if i regret this decision or not, but being a 5 min walk to campus vs a 20 min bus ride is SOOO nice.

so...yes.

2011-05-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

system of a down & gogol bordello are going to be performing. together. on one stage. i mean, not at the same time, but i wouldn't be surprised if at least one song came together in some kind of glorious musical harmony.

at verizon amphitheatre. i used to drive past it all the fucking time. i saw no doubt there.

this month.

i can't fly home. too expensive. $500+ for a couple bands? my parents would kill me.

so sad. so so so sad.

sitting here listening to gogol bordello and moping. as much as one can mope while listening to gypsy punk. so...not really moping and more like just being angry in an upbeat way.

i was lucky enough to see gogol bordello once. it was AWESOME. it was less a concert and more like one giant party. i remember that as one of the happiest moments of my life. dancing around in a circle with a bunch of people i didn't know. it was...fantastic. idk. there are no words unless you've gotten a chance to go to a show of theirs.

i have never been lucky enough to see SOAD, but they're been one of my favorite bands since high school. lol i used to sign this blog as "mrs. tankian" which was ridiculous, but can give some insight into just how much i fucking love this band. i've listened to them evolve over the years, and i feel like it's in some way a reflection of my own personal evolution. i don't really listen to any of the same bands i listened to in high school, because they either don't exist anymore and/or i just grew out of that phase of pure RAGE and angst. but SOAD has been a band i could listen to whenever. i used to say i wanted to see them before i graduated hs...then college. and now med school. sigh.

very very upset. unfortunately it's one of those things i just can't do anything about, but i'll be silently bitter about it for a long time.

2011-05-09T08:26:00.001-07:00

i don't remember a time in my life where i was really truly happy. like, not a specific moment, because it is easy to be happy in moments. but an entire chunk of my life - a year, say.

but i do know that for most of my life from the past...oh idk, 7ish years, i've always looked back on years before and said "there. that is where i want to go back to, because then, i was happy."

but i wasn't, really.

so maybe one day, this part of my life will also seem softly sweet, obscured by time and the feeling of being old. like so much has been lost and i will never get it back.

2011-05-07T01:01:00.001-07:00

it's a strange feeling, to know that you are loved. and not in the way that a parent loves you, because that's always seemed a protective but fearful love (my parents are incredibly overprotective, but i'd rather they be that than not care what happens to me).

when i used to engage in self destructive behavior, i would tell people i knew in real life. just a handful of them. only the ones who would enable me. i'm not friends with these people now, for obvious reasons.

but now, to even have those thoughts, and my first instinct to be to tell him...i don't know. it's weird. not like my past relationship, where i would lie through my teeth about what i was doing or thinking or feeling. i can't hide things. even 2000+ miles away, where i could get away with pretty much anything, i can't even make a lie of omission.

maybe it's because i know that what i get back won't be support for sick thoughts, or anger or disappointment. he asks me why, what i feel, what's making me feel that way. he'll tell me to be safe, and trusts that i am smart.

it's really fucking awesome.

2011-05-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

so, osama bin laden is dead. it only took ten years to find and kill ONE MAN. oh, and lots of lives lost, among countless over effects on the economy, morale, etc. etc.

but man...FUCK ANYONE who says that this is not a big deal. yes, i am bummed that it took us this long, but hey...we finally did it. how DARE people say "osama's death doesn't matter." EXCUSE ME?

tell that to the people whose family members, loved ones, and friends lost their lives on 9/11. to watch the news and see those images. i still cry when i see pictures of the smoking twin towers. it was fucking scary.

and THEN, to see broadcast from this dick in afghanistan who says "LOL GUIZ I DID THIS. HA FUCKING HA."

to say that killing that man has no power whatsoever is straight retarded. and sometimes i wonder if people who say these things truly believe it, or if they're saying it in some attempt to be non-conformist.

ridiculous.

2011-04-28T23:00:00.001-07:00

i grow weary of the daily grind. i want something more. i know it's coming, but it's getting harder to stay motivated.

i'm so sick of talking about school all the time. sick of talking about this class or that, the last exam and then the next one, sick of being surrounded by people (& being one of them) who seem to be lost in this world. i'm sure it'll pass, but it is what it is.

it has been refreshing, though, to talk to a few people from my past. people who couldn't care less that i am in medical school. people who do not see me as being defined by my education. maybe i hang out with too many nerds. not that there's anything wrong with that. it's just that i used to have a good mix of friends. but here it's hard to meet people outside of this mess.

i have been reading again, though. so i guess that's something.
- "echo city" (by tim lebbon). SO GOOD.
- "waiter rant" (steve dublanica). quick, easy, i have started tipping 20% instead of 17%. 25% if they were really nice.
- halfway through with "when you are engulfed in flames" (david sedaris). people told me it would be ~hilarious~, but it's just mildly amusing. maybe i'm not cool enough to get it.

i don't know. i want to be at that place where i can look back and say "wow. this is where i came from, this is what i have done, this is what i have made for the world, this is what i have changed." it's a long ways away.

2011-03-30T22:47:00.001-07:00

there was a man i knew growing up, mr. duck. he was chinese, a friend of my dad's from work. i called him mr. duck for..literally about 15 years.

i found out recently that his name is not, in fact, mr. duck. his name is duke, but my dad decided that he didn't want to bother pronouncing that.

and this dude just totally went along with it.

wtf.

2011-03-24T18:44:00.001-07:00

Day 26 — Your week, in great detail

i have a hard enough time remembering what happened yesterday morning, but i will do my best.

monday - caps. boring boring boring. i studied after caps. dull day.

tuesday - i had lunch with my senior partner. she's adorable! i love her. we went to get mexican food. i was nervous at first, because she told me to pick where to eat, but it turns out she loves mexican food. good :D talked to her for about an hour and then i figured i should go study some. rest of the day was just studying, i think, but i did make a butternut squash, fennel, and pear soup. i have a LOT of it, even though i froze some. i may end up freezing some more just because i don't know how much more i can eat. not to say it's not good - it's delicious! especially with some bacon crumbled and mixed in, but i am not a big soup person in general. i just made it because i happened to have all the ingredients but the pears and fennel were starting to look sad, and i wanted to use them up.

wednesday - went to my preceptor, which was ehh it was alright. we were going to work on interview skills, but it's hard for me to interview her patients because it's not really like "why are you here today." it's more of "are these meds working? are you having any of these specific side effects [based on the drugs they're taking]?" so it's all things she would essentially need to coach me on beforehand. so it was just more shadowing. that's ok though, because i'm studying renal right now so i actually had some vague idea about what she was talking about. went home and was so tired i just slept for 3 hours. went to campus, printed some stuff out, studied for a bit, went to winking lizard tavern with john, claudia, and kason. ate lots of wings, delicious. wanted to go hang out at the guard tower with kason but i had to study, so i came home. struggled through half a chapter until i just passed out.

thursday - woke up late, watched tv, ate a real meal instead of waiting for dinner, wen to talbot hall (osu addiction medicine) where i shadowed someone on the partial hospitalization unit. had an amazing time. half of it was just hanging out and talking/playing tetris on my phone because i forgot to bring a book, but still. best way to not study that i've had in a while. i'm thinking of going back tomorrow because the same guy is working and he was a lot of fun, plus i'll be prepared and take dinner so i can stay late enough to go to their AA meeting at night. excited! i've never been to one. came home, ate subway, and now i am finally settling down to study.

not really a full week but there you go. i don't remember anything earlier than monday so shrug.

2011-03-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

Day 25 — Your day, in great detail.

i can promise you, this won't be thrilling.

i woke up around 12.30, met with my senior partner at 1.15. completed an assignment with her, and we talked a little about what's been going on in both of our lives lately. made a lunch date with her for tuesday :) i am excited. she's super cute, a little quiet and our conversations tend to have some awkward silences that i try desperately to fill because they make me feel uncomfortable, but i think it's just because she's old.

came home and had some leftover yum nua with rice and a giant bowl of lettuce for lunch. watched an episode of crossing jordan while i ate, and one of two fat ladies, which makes me excited. they use a lot of fresh produce, travel all around the UK on a motorcycle with a sidecar. they go to a lot of castles, and cook in old, lovely kitchens. and they are both so cute! one of them used to be a barrister (lawyer)! i like seeing people who have had two careers. it makes me happy and hopeful. i definitely am not going to give up on medicine for a while. i am in it for a lot of reasons, and there are a lot of people counting on me, myself included. but i like to think that one day i will be able to find something that gives me more fulfillment while giving me an easier lifestyle.

then i gave up on any plans i had of being productive today because i felt like it, and started working on finishing reading kea's flight. it's a book published independently by a couple, very science fiction, but also a pretty light and easy read, which i think i wanted. you can buy the pdf/kindle version for only $5, and i think it's worth it to support independent writers, and get a good read for cheap. it's set in a future where earth is run by a dictatorship that has banned abortions, so any unwanted pregnancies (for causes of genetic mutation) are "removed" instead, and frozen. there end up being too many of them, so they are cast off into space on a ship, set to land on another planet when the "rems" reach 21, where they can settle down. a similar dictatorship runs the ship, where the rems are the oppressed, and they build alliances with each other. it's quite good.

my hair was feeling greasy so in the middle of that, i took a shower. read a bit more and then felt sleepy so i laid down to take a nap and accidentally slept too long. woke up at around 8pm and since then i've just been reading some more. yesterday i got a dozen donut holes from a cute donut shop near the asian market where i shop for groceries, and i finished those off. healthy and delicious dinner :P i am also backing up all my files because i finally got a new external HD. 1 tb! yay.

ummm yeah that was my day in detail. more reading now, maybe some tea before bed. going to not stay up too late so i can get a relatively early start tomorrow (10am is early for me, ok?) and have a productive week!

2011-03-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy

i've been really disappointed in myself lately. several people have told me that i'm too hard on myself and i need to cut it out, but i'm having a hard time doing that because i don't feel like i deserve it.

so i had originally scheduled my exams (cardio & resp) on friday & monday. thursday night i didn't feel prepared AT ALL, so i pushed it back to mon/tues. i spent friday and saturday relaxing, and i definitely should not have. friday i knew i was going to, but saturday i really wanted to work. i was just so exhausted i couldn't focus so i thought if i took another day off, i would be mentally refreshed.

sunday came around...exhausted still. pushed my test back to tues/wed. and so on and so on, until now my test is scheduled for thurs/fri. and i am not pushing it back any more.

but idk. i've been so tired lately it's really strange. i'll sleep 9 hours at night and then still feel like taking 2 naps through the day, an hour each. i have a doctor's appointment scheduled on thursday to get some blood tests and see what is going on because i'm starting to get worried. but because of this exhaustion, i haven't been focusing as well as i normally do, and while i do feel ready for cardio, i need a couple extra days to study for resp, which is why i pushed it back another set of days.

part of me is hoping something shows up on my blood tests, because then at least this exhaustion won't be just in my head or me being lazy. because that's what i feel like now. like...how could i let myself keep falling behind? this isn't like me at all. and i was pushing to take it EARLY, when i originally scheduled my test.

the whole point of me wanting to do this is so that i can get through as much of the next block as possible before i go home, so that while i'm home (first 10 days of april) i wouldn't have to study, or at the least, do some light review, but not actual hard work. but at this rate, i'm not going to have a choice. i'm going to have to work while i'm at home. and i mean, i can't feel sorry for myself about it because it's my own fault. because i've just been so...off.

idk i just am really frustrated with myself right now and i can't understand what is going on. this isn't supposed to happen.

the only solution i can think of is to push myself harder. no more breaks, no more mercy, no more "i deserve to take this day off." no more. no more socializing, no more trying to pretend i can have a balanced life. i've never been able to balance my life anyway, what made me think i could do it now? besides, i'm here to learn. i'm here for my education. i'm not here to be a social butterfly, or go to medprom, or get wasted every weekend. i am here to learn, to kick ass, and go back home.

2011-03-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

Day 23 — A YouTube video

i've already posted so many but FINE. here's another one.

i saw this on boondocks a while ago and only recently found out this kid was FUCKING REAL lol.

2011-03-12T12:49:00.000-08:00

Day 22 — A website

bodyrock!

zuzana & freddy are a couple that live in prague, and they've been posting these videos of short (20 min max, i think), super intense workouts that primarily use your bodyweight instead of free weights/fancy gadgets. sometimes they use a couple of things that i don't have, but there are so many workouts that i just do another one on that day.

they put a big emphasis on just doing your best, giving it your all, don't beat yourself up if you're a beginner, all of which i really like because every time i've started a workout program, that's what i do. i feel weak and shitty and give up when i start gaining weight, even though i KNOW it's muscle and that in the long term i'll cut down. i've been kind of slack this week in doing workouts because it's been a really strange week, but there is no real excuse. 20 minutes is not so much time that i can't do a workout. i'll be doing one tonight!

they also have some food/diet stuff up there, not diet as in "cut your calories by 200/day" or anything, but just as in what foods you should be eating to fuel your body best. all of this is stuff that i know, but what i really liked is that zuzana made a post about not worrying about the number on the scale. the scale has been my worst and best friend for...idk probably over a decade. i wake up, brush my teeth, weigh myself. i eat, i weigh myself. i come home, i weigh myself. i do *anything*, i weigh myself. there's no reason. my weight is not going to change dramatically every 4-5 hours, and if it does, it's probably attributable to me drinking 3 cups of tea in one sitting or eating a giant meal. which is *fine*. because that's not what matters. what matters is that i need to learn how to feel comfortable in my own body, which i have struggled with for a very long time.

but idk i feel like bodyrock has been a big influence on me changing my thinking about weight/exercise recently. i don't worry about my diet because i eat really well, the only thing that might be of concern is that i don't get enough protein (lean, or not lean...just protein in general) but i'm working on that. and i know that i'm not going to see results overnight, which is hard because in my head is ingrained this idea of "if i don't eat today, i will lose 2 lbs by tomorrow, so if i am doing things the healthy way, it's STUPID because i'm not losing weight as fast." but again, it goes back to ignoring the scale and listening to your body, instead.

i just need to be patient and not give up on myself or my own health. i feel like i've made such strides, and this is just the last big hurdle i have. i quit smoking anything, i haven't bought soda for my apartment in 2 weeks (i had a couple while out at restaurants but i'm ok with that), i rarely eat sugar anymore unless it's in my tea, which i'm starting to replace with honey. i do still struggle with staying hydrated but i'm doing better at that. i've done so much to take care of myself, and i just need to do more.

2011-03-10T15:45:00.000-08:00

Day 21 — A recipe

OOH yay!! this is a recipe for yum nua, or thai beef salad. i don't make this often because i rarely buy meat anymore, but it is one of my favorite things to eat.

ingredients

- 2-4 small shallots, sliced thin (depends on how much you like shallots)
- juice of 1-2 limes (1 if it's a super juicy sexy lime, 2 if they're just regular limes)
- fish sauce (umm idk how much i use...a tbsp?)
- cilantro (...enough of it. a handful?) chop chop chopped
- couple cloves of garlic, minced or crushed into a paste
- 3-4 bird's eye chilies (more if you want more spicy!), chopped (DON'T toss the seeds, idgaf what food network tells you to do, that is a waste of good flavor)
- 1/2 lb beef (skirt steak...something flat and cheap)
- mixed greens, tomatoes/cucumbers/whatever you want the "salad" part to be.

what do i do?!

cook the steak fast and dirty. broil it, sear it, whatever, but don't cook it all the way through. a minute or two each side. (keep in mind, it is meant to be a thin cut). cut against the grain into strips.

mix the shallots, lime juice, fish sauce, cilantro, garlic, chilies, and beef together. eat as is with the salad, or if you really want the most tender meat and the most developed flavors, let it sit in the fridge overnight. the lime juice will break down the steak proteins and it will literally melt in your mouth.

MMM. i'll be making this next week.

2011-03-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

my theme song.

2011-03-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

Day 20 — A hobby of yours

FOOD! can food be a hobby? SURE IT CAN.

i am preoccupied by food...all the time. i think about it all the time. what am i going to eat next? how awesome was the last thing i ate? what am i going to cook? what do i wish i could cook? what is this food that i will one day eat when i am rich enough? what foods do i want to travel the world to eat because eating them here just isn't the same.

and cooking, i guess, might be more accurate as an action, rather than something that i'm just obsessed with. i love to cook. i made dashi (seaweed & bonito broth) from scratch this weekend, and then used it to make okonomiyaki (a japanese cabbage pancake, sometimes called osaka soul food - it's good!). i like to set aside a day/week to try making something new that may be labor intensive, but totally worth it.

in truth, i prefer cooking for others more than for myself. of course i cook for me because if i don't, i have to eat crappy fast food and then i will get fat and have a bunch of health problems and be disgusted with myself and not live long enough, etc. and i will have digestive problems and just generally have a dulled sense of taste. EAT REAL FOOD, PPL. anyway but yeah cooking for other people is so much more satisfying. it's a way to show how much i care, and how much i appreciate them being in my life, that goes beyond words. i cook with love, and food always tastes better that way!

2011-03-06T18:12:00.000-08:00

Day 19 — A talent of yours

i can burp on command. i will use my great skill to bring peace to the common people.

2011-03-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy

i really want to wander around in a forest. i can't wait until spring when everything is in bloom. there's lots of nature around here and i plan to be in it, a lot. i am restless with the grey and the brown and the being inside all the fucking time. and when i go for long walks on days where it's not so bad out, it's in the neighborhood around my apartment, which is nice, but also right next to the freeway. i want to get away. i've heard from several people that hocking hills is nice. i also haven't been horseriding in years and years, so i think i will go when i am there. i miss the smell of horses. some people don't like it but i think it's very sweet. like...sugary sweet. i don't know, not like candy but it's the sweetest thing i have ever smelt, or maybe what i imagine something sweet should smell like. either way it makes me happy.

i used to be really into doctors without borders, before i actually came to med school. i kind of...forgot about them. but someone was talking about it today and i think i'd still like to join them. it's hard because there's all these things i want to do in terms of my career. i mean, if i'm going to do it, i might as well do it right, right? i want to go to third world countries, i want to help people who can't get help because of circumstances beyond their control. i want to make a difference in a world where people just don't think differences can be made. i have wanderlust, and i want to not be in a city where people are just so...i don't know, blind, i guess.

but on the other hand, i want to be with peter. and i want to have a family. and i want a little cottage where i can have my own garden and eat what i grow and be near a farm so i can get fresh, natural meat and dairy and etc. etc.

and then...i do also like the city. i like the noise and i like the lights and i like the crowding of so many people, piling up on top of each other in skyrises.

i love peter, but sometimes i wish i had never fallen in love because it mucked everything up. i wasn't supposed to be at ohio state, i was supposed to be at harvard or john's hopkins or mayo clinic or something. and i really do know that i have what it takes, but i got distracted from school by things that i said were "more important." and i guess they are. part of me thinks that they are, otherwise i wouldn't have let it take up so much of my time and attention. but part of me misses the way i used to be, when i didn't care about the people in my life, when all i cared about was working and being the fucking best.

i've been saying i'm having a "quarter life crisis" for some months now. i wonder when that will stop and when i will figure out what i really want.

2011-03-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

so i guess i'm too uncultured to answer this. i don't really have a favorite painting, drawing, sculpture. all i really know in terms of "real" art (i.e. stuff you would find a typical museum - that's what i think of when i think of art) is stuff i learned in history classes in high school.

here is a link to a mural in a town in south-central Poland celebrating 30 years of solidarity. i learned about solidarnosc in mr. madrid's classroom at troy high school in either 2001 or 2002, i forget, but somewhere around there. i don't really remember much about it, but i do remember his classroom well. there was a solidarnosc poster in it, a poster of che guevara with fidel castro, and a bunch of other stuff.

i had a giant crush on him.

he was a good teacher. i don't remember anything he taught me about history, but he was a good teacher nonetheless. i am sorry that i did not have him for driver's ed (i had some man who i always think looked like an anteater, i don't even know his name i just think of him as the anteater) and that i missed the story of the pink gorilla (?!?!). he filled our heads with CPI (cocktail party information) and was generally fun and funny and inspiring.

he was born on feb. 29th, so he is only...13? or something. peter and i went back to troy in 2008 (holy FUCK that was a long time ago...) to give him a birthday present (some stuff for his kids) but he was in some meeting. we waited around in the halls for an hour and then left the gift outside his classroom.

oh, he was also sort of an inspiration for us doing the anti-lit mag with markwalsh. that was good times. we gathered a bunch of short stories/poems/whatever amongst ourselves from our own vaults and people we knew. we thought we were doing something so big. my mom let me sneak into her office after hours and print out hundreds of copies there (she wasn't manager at the time, soo that was kind of a big deal). we did them anonymously for the first few, and then made this huge reveal, as if it mattered. i miss that.

i've been reminiscing about high school a lot lately. i'm not sure why. i was angsty, i had an eating disorder, i self-injured, i hated myself and i hated my family and i hated people. but i don't know. i feel like i might have been happier then than i am now. because i really thought i would die before i turned 21, in some fantastic blaze of glory. either that or i would become some famous doctor or author or something that would mean something.

now i am much more jaded. sure, i am in medical school, but there are so many other people in medical school across the country. and so many more lining up to get in. this is just another form of mediocrity. i'm not going to be THE BEST doctor, so in my head it's the equivalent of some mid-level manager who's never really going to be CEO but is trying to convince himself that what he's doing is worthwhile.

but if it wasn't me, it would just be someone else. and when i'm gone, nobody will remember who i was in a generation or two. at least in high school, i didn't believe that.

2011-03-02T14:05:00.000-08:00

Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

every single time.

here's ralph stanley performing it live. he was 82 when he did this performance (he's 84 now).

2011-03-01T14:50:00.000-08:00

Day 15 — A fanfic

lmfao. ok the last fanfic i read was from...2005. it was a jack/danny slash (from stargate sg-1) written by anais, who it looks like has taken down her website and i can't find her stories anymore. i have them saved as emails to myself from 6 years ago but i'm not going to post it up here because...well, it's pretty explicit.

but, safe to say, the only fanfic i have ever read was jack/danny slash. the only thing that could have made it better is if i were somehow physically involved (in these things that didn't actually happen...). yum.

2011-02-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

i just...can i just...ok i'm going to break this down.

"when you scream & he's calm."
what kind of crazy ass bitch am i that i'm screaming at a completely rational person? either we are both upset, or i am overreacting, in which case i need to calm my ass down. this is not a way to know if he REALLY loves me, it's a way to tell if i am batshit or not.

"when you hit him & he kisses you."
what is this abuse?! WHY AM I HITTING HIM? this is starting to sound like a really one sided relationship, where HE might be madly in love with me, but i am a psycho abuser. RUDE. also, if i hit my boyfriend, i expect him to freak the fuck out, not kiss me. because if he kisses me, then that can mean two things (that i can think of). (1) this is a regular occurrence. uh...not healthy. (2) i am apparently so full of emotions and hormones that i cannot be reasoned with, and only appealing to my sexual drive will calm me. RUDE.

"when you cry & he cries too."
LMAO WHAT IS THIS HOT MESS?? can you imagine?! "omg my dog died *sob sob*" "OH MY POOR BABY *SOB SOB*" loooooool fuck i can't stop laughing at this mental image. dude if i'm sad, i need comforting, not someone to be sad with me. i want cuddles and ice cream and a distraction, not someone who is just equally unstable.

"when you tell him you hate him & he tells you he loves you."
AGAIN, IF I AM IN A NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WHY WOULD THIS EVER HAPPEN unless in a completely joking situation? it happened last night with me and my bf when i was saying something really serious on skype and he burped at me, and i laughed and said "i hate you!" and he said "i looove you!" and we both had a good laugh over it. but like this emo-ass image was made by someone who i'm pretty sure was talking about an argumentative situation. in which case, AGAIN, this sounds like ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

idk just lol until i die. women, please do not take relationship advice from image macros on tumblr if you want to be happy.

2011-02-26T21:36:00.000-08:00

Day 14 — A non-fictional book

i read this as an undergrad and it made me realize that being a doctor went beyond curing a disease. i forget which class it was for because i took a few based on other healing systems and medical anthropology, etc. but those classes were taught by the same professor. she reminded me a lot of my mom, she was super cute, but she also taught me a lot.

she taught me that i want to do more than just science. i think that's where my empathy began. a lot of what i had learned, i already knew from my experience with family members being ill, but i had never really thought of it as extending beyond my family. that health goes beyond a healthy body - that it encompasses the mind and the spirit. that healing must do more than cure the physical ailments a patient presents. that medicine is not restricted to an individual, but exists in the context of a greater culture, whether that is the patient's family, their friends, their entire community, whatever.

i wanted to do a master's in complementary & alternative medicine in the year i took off, but my dad wouldn't hear of it and anyway, it was really expensive. i am sad i didn't get to do it, but i don't regret not doing it. complementary and alternative medicine is not something that i will learn in a year - it's something that i think of as a part of my life. and i know a lot of people think of it as a bunch of malarky, and that's fine. a lot of people think blood transfusions are a bunch of malarky, too.

i think that right now, not enough is known about CAM for the medical profession to take it seriously, but there has been an evolution in the view of the AMA regarding chiropractic medicine. so...there's a start. the medical field and its views are constantly changing, and i think that certain aspects of CAM are in the future of integrative medicine. especially as the world gets smaller with cultures intermingling more and more each generation. if i have a stomach ache, the first thing i do is ingest ginger. if i was at home, there's some homeopathic meds i'd take. i have the WORST menstrual cramps. no medication ever worked, and doctors wouldn't prescribe me something stronger because they didn't see the need. because apparently not being able to get out of bed for 3-4 days/month doesn't qualify as need. the only thing that helped was homeopathic meds. -shrug-

anyway. i could go on about this for a loooong time but it's getting late. in short, it's a really good book about the pitfalls that doctors can face when they have patients who are from another culture. it is a heartbreaking story, and it makes me sad that this happened at all, and that i'm sure it has happened in hundreds of more cases. but i have learned from it and i hope that in my future, i will not make the same mistakes and will be wary of arrogance or ignorance in my position.

2011-02-25T20:55:00.001-08:00

Day 13 — A fictional book

since i've already posted my favorite books earlier, i'll talk about the one i am reading now.

my friend, markwalsh, has been telling me for a very long time to read it and i finally got around to buying it when we were at a used bookstore on a rainy day over winter break. i didn't get around to reading it for a while, and when i did i read 50 pages and then stopped. when my boyfriend left this past weekend, i basically did nothing but read for 2 days straight.

i won't go into details about the book because there are too many. all i can say is that if you like fantasy and medieval stuff (kings, queens, knights, deception...oh, and dragons) you should check it out.

i guess HBO is making a series based on the book that will air this april. at first i was really MEH because i don't like adaptations of books. but i'm kind of looking forward to this. the book is great, HBO is usually pretty on the ball, i really really like that they cast jason momoa as khal drogo. i hope i get to see more of him without his shirt on. and all that raspy growling. yum. ahem.

2011-02-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy

i dislike that most driven people have a distaste for anyone who isn't as driven as they are. i was browsing tumblr earlier today and saw that someone had written this regarding alcoholism: "man the fuck up and deal with your issues. if you’re unhappy, the bottle only makes it worse. not that simple? i don’t give a shit. man the fuck up.

does that make you uncomfortable? good, i hope it does.

as someone who has a family member who is an alcoholic (not here, he lives in england and is my 2nd uncle or something) and who is interested in addiction medicine, this just breaks my heart. but beyond that, beyond the specifics of addiction being a disease, it also makes me sad that driven people feel like everyone else must be like them. is that a type A personality thing? i don't know, i've never really been into that personality classification thing.

but i don't know. i find it a common theme. i used to be like that, too, in high school. "if i can do this, then why the fuck can't you?! that must make you unworthy." but that just makes no sense, when you think about it.

and, interesting to note, all the driven people in my life are people who have not had any financial trouble, who have mostly not been discriminated against based on their race or gender or sexuality (and if they are not a straight white male, they were fortunate enough to grow up in a community where that was not looked down on). this is not true of all of them, but a trend that's worth thinking about.

and i think that the attitude that driven people have of "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T/WON'T YOU DO THIS? YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO SUCCEED" is actually more detrimental to the drive of others around them. i'm not saying that less driven people should be coddled in order to get them to do anything, because that doesn't breed self-confidence, but berating them doesn't, either. the thing about driven people is that that kind of attitude may work on them, but they're just further applying the idea that everything that is true of them must be true of everyone else. and how does that make any sense? how can you close your mind so much?

sometimes i find it really hard to be happy. i think i am too empathic. there is so much wrong, so much injustice, so much grief and despair. so many people losing things every day that i can't even imagine living without, and yet they go on. they do not give up. they have more drive than i do, even if they are addicts or in other conventional ways "bad people." and i just think...how can i be happy when there is so much wrong? who am i to think that i deserve any of the goodness in my life, when people who deserve it more than i do are denied it? when i should be thankful, i am instead wracked with guilt. i'm not even catholic, what is this?!

sometimes i don't know if medicine is for me. maybe i should have gone into social work, public health, i don't know. what i do know is that i do not want to be a doctor who sits in their clinic, in their big cushy chair with their fancy computer and nice clothes, spending 15 minutes with each patient (who must have insurance to see me, and transportation, etc.) and going home at the end of the day filled with some sense of false pride. i don't know what i'm going to do and i don't know where i'm going to end up but if i can't make things better for people when i have the ability to do so, then...i don't know. fuck idk.

2011-02-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently

Ang took this of me, although I haven't studied in my cubicle for weeks now. This weather is just too dreadful, it's not worth getting dressed to go out.

2011-02-22T16:26:00.000-08:00

Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago

I don't have a picture that old, but this one is from 2004, before homecoming. Wow this was a long time ago.

click here

2011-02-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

i know, i missed...a lot of days on that 30 day thing. i'll get back to it at some point.

my boyfriend was here for nearly a whole week. it was awesome. the weather was nice, but we mostly stayed in. i haven't felt so happy or relaxed in a very long time.

i dropped him off at the airport earlier today (well...yesterday now, seeing as it's nearly 7am). since then i've just been puttering around, trying to kill time and not mope. i watched a lot of tv. i wanted to smoke, i wanted to get drunk, i wanted to hide in my closet and cry. instead, i started reading, and i am glad for it.

"I have a realistic grasp of my own strengths and weaknesses. My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer, and I have my mind...and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge."
[A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin]

i used to read a LOT. my dad would actually yell at me for spending too much time reading "fiction fantasy nonsense" instead of studying. now i spend too much time sitting on my couch and watching tv, watching countless rehashes of the same damn story just with different characters and soundtracks, each more mind-numbing than the last. i think it's because i hate being in this apartment when it's quiet - the tv is good background noise. i need to stop that. and anyway, at&t jacked up my bill so if i can't get that changed then i might just have to cancel my cable.

tl;dr - i am going to read more and stop being a mindless drone watching crime dramas.

also, one way i know i'm getting old (or maybe i'm just old-fashioned) is when i find myself having luddite-esque thoughts. like about how terrible the kindle/nook/e-reader is. sure, i use it for textbooks sometimes but that's just because the paperback versions are more expensive. but i don't think i could ever use one for pleasure reading. regardless, it's a silly thought - e-readers make reading more accessible to a wider population. books are cheaper, more people are reading in general (or at least saying they're going to), etc. but i don't know. there's just something...wrong about it. my favorite part about books that i've read is all the lines in the spine from where i bent it back to be able to hold the book with one hand and tea in the other. i like the smudge that i make in the middle of the right-sided pages from my thumb. i like how the pages get dirtier over time. i especially love that there is one book i've read so many times, the first 50 pages have fallen out and are just tucked in (and, fantastically, it's a signed copy. you can't get an e-reader signed - or give them as gifts with personal notes written on the inside of the front cover). i react to the smell of old books the way some people get boners over the smell of a new car.

and i imagine some people felt the same way about e-mail when it first came about. or blogging. who wants to put a journal on the internet for everyone else to read?! how ludicrous.

i'm rambling. it's another way for me to avoid going to bed because it's big and empty and cold.

2011-02-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

missed a few days.

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

The boyfriend & I at Hooters, a few years ago.

Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad

link to image
WARNING - could possibly be very triggering.

Sokreun Mean, 36, a badly scarred victim of an acid attack, poses at the Cambodian Acid Survivors Charity (CASC) facility on August 1st, 2010 in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. She was attacked outside her home with a large quantity of acid causing blindness and severe disfiguration to her face. She has been operated on over 20 times. Sokreun was divorced, but the estranged wife of her husband became jealous and attacked her. She is one of 270 patients receiving treatment by the Cambodian Acid Survivors Charity (CASC), an organization dedicated to the welfare of acid survivors in Cambodia, since 2006. (Paula Bronstein/Getty Images)

There's a lot of beautiful images, and equally or more infuriating and horrifying ones, here. 2010 in Photos by boston.com

Day 09 — A photo you took

I took this in South Africa a few years ago.

2011-02-09T15:30:00.001-08:00

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Nothing would tickle my fancy so much as finishing neurophysiology before my boyfriend gets here on Monday, so I'm going to go study instead of making a real post. I leave you with this.

2011-02-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

Day 05 — Your favorite quote

"You're walking on gallows ground, & there's a rope around your neck & a raven-bird on each shoulder waiting for your eyes, & the gallows tree has deep roots, for it stretches from heaven to hell, & our world is only the branch from which the rope is swinging."
- Neil Gaiman [American Gods]

"In the ragtag tent city, young people wrote tear-soaked vows in black ink on white silk, to give their lives to revolution. I was only 17 and I could barely grasp what was happening but I knew I wanted in some way to be a revolutionary. It made my blood boil with with the intoxicating promise of freedom."
-guerrillamamamedicine on tumblr, about protesting at Tiananmen Square

And, finally, because it is highly relevant to my living situation right now and my hopes to do my residency back home in California:

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."
- Terry Pratchett [A Hat Full of Sky]

2011-02-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Again, I can't list only one. I feel like asking for "favorites" is just too limiting. Especially when discussing something so wide-ranging as movies, music, or books. What if you appreciate several different genres of a given art form with equal magnitude? What if you like two things equally, but for different reasons? JUST SAYIN.

Anyway, my favorite author is Terry Pratchett. We were at the airport in Johannesburg, my aunt had dropped us off. It had been raining terribly that day, and everyone was in a sad mood because we don't get to see my family in Africa often, and parting ways is never fun. I didn't have anything to read on the stupidly long flight home, so I was wandering the airport bookstore in the last few minutes before boarding. I picked up the first 2 books in the PTerry Discworld series, ate them up on the plane. Back when this happened, he wasn't big in the states at all, so it was really difficult to find his books. I had to ask my aunt to hunt for them in Jo'Burg and then mail them to me. Eventually, he started being published here. But I actually prefer the foreign copies because the cover art is so much more intricate and well thought out and relevant, while here it's just the title and an image of a wizard's hat or a witch's broom or something. The foreign copies have an entire scene spanning the front and back covers, with multiple characters throughout the book. They're kind of awesome.

Also, Neil Gaiman's "American Gods." I didn't like the sequel that much. It was good, but it didn't have as big of an impact on me. American Gods resonates a lot with my personal beliefs on religion, and it was just a really refreshing way to look at different religions and how they were impacted by mass immigration to America.

Of course, "Good Omens" because it was written by both Gaiman and PTerry, and I kind of have a giant crush on both of them. I met PTerry once at a book signing. I was in awe and kind of froze when I got the chance to talk to him, so it was more like I was standing and staring. I was going to go to a Gaiman book signing at the same bookstore a few weeks later but my uncle got very sick and was in the hospital, so we couldn't go.

I also love Jeff Noon's "Nymphomation." It's like...math poetry. It's really hard to describe. I've had a really hard time finding any of his other books, and for some reason the ones I have found online cost like $50 or something ridiculous. Very bummed because his writing style is spectacular.

Also, "Dandelion Wine" by Ray Bradbury. The only summer of my life that I remember vividly was the summer between my freshman & sophomore years at UCI. I was reading that book when the summer started, and it changed how I felt about the little things, like the heat on my neck, the smell of the grass, a bee buzzing. I love anything by Bradbury, but that book and that summer are special to me.

There are more but I need to go study.

2011-02-06T22:42:00.001-08:00

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Oh this is tough. There's several. I can't pick just one.

Stargate SG-1 because it was kind of my gateway drug into sci-fi shows. I just randomly saw this amazingly cute archaeologist and I went "ooooh" and that was the beginning of the end. I bought all the old seasons, watched through season 10 (the last episode....BAWWWW so hard) and then watched Stargate Atlantis. I stopped when it got shitty, and hated SG Universe or w/e. There was this totally adorbs Asian girl in an episode of SG-1, so I looked up who she was and saw she was on another show, Battlestar Galactica (yes, Boomer <3). So I started watching that. Which is another of my favorite shows.

Also, X-Files, because David Duchovny is just...amazing. Also the show was pretty damn funny at times. My boyfriend got me the "I Want To Believe" poster hung up in Mulder's little office. LOVE.

Law & Order SVU, because Stabler is delicious, and it's also just a really captivating show. A lot of feminist issues come up in the show and I think it's cool that they get addressed, but it does bother me that they're not really fleshed out. But still, I mean...it's there. I guess. Whatever, you know it's just 'cause USA runs marathons of this every other day and keeps me from studying.

Psych on USA is hilarious, too. It's quick, mildly intelligent humor with lots of references to things from my childhood. I wonder how many people don't like that show because they don't get the references because they're too young. Gross.

Also, It's Always Sunny in Philly because of the sheer absurdity. Charlie is my favorite, I want to hang out with him.

2011-02-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

The Little Mermaid. Forever and ever <3. I have a tote bag with her on it from the Disney Store that I use when I go to the grocery store for just a few things (for bigger trips, I have a big burlap sack basically haha). When I was younger, I used to watch the movie EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For hundreds of days. I must have drove my parents insane.

I do believe in mermaids. I believe in pretty much anything. The idea of parallel/alternate universes makes that easy. Yay, science.

My family and I used to go to Seal Beach a lot, back when I was younger and we lived closer. We used to go to the end of the pier and get a big thing of fries & ketchup and share it. I'd lay on the floor with my head peaking out over the edge, looking down at the waves smashing against the pillars the pier was built on, waiting for a mermaid to pop up and say hi. I still love the end of the pier. It's the only place I feel really peaceful, other than out on the ocean.

I have others that are in my top 5, but that movie will always make me happy, no matter what.

2011-02-04T23:39:00.001-08:00

I'm going to try this new...thing. Going to blog something specific for 30 days. Who knows why. WHY NOT.

* Day 01 — Your favorite song

This changes pretty much every few months, and I don't think it's fair to ask just one song, but for now it's a tie between the two following.

I heard the song long before I watched the video, and it always made me think of spring evenings with my boyfriend. "So put on the record that we used/To listen to when we found the truth." I miss sitting in a car together and listening to an album and laying back on a Saturday morning after the farmer's market and lunch, taking a nap or just laying there, being warm. This song takes me back there.

This is my "get pumped" song. I don't think it really needs much explanation. Also, from Battlestar, which is kind of amazing. Nay, just...amazing.

2011-01-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

happy new year! i spent midnight with the man i love, watching fireworks (my favorite!) at downtown disney. couldn't really ask for more than that, any day of the year.

it was kind of weird - this year, i had absolutely no enthusiasm for the new year festivities, which is unusual for me. i guess i just didn't see the point. the existence and importance of the passage of time is something that we can't deny, other than some people who know much more science than i do. but our quantification of time is random; the new year is different in different cultures. who is to say that going from dec. 31 to jan. 1 is something particularly worth celebrating? like i said, i don't see the point. it was just another day. maybe this means i am a buzzkill, or lack imagination, or am getting old. perhaps all of the above. i'm ok with that.

i don't have any resolutions for 2011. again, unusual for me, but i guess in the past 21 years i have learned that, unless i really want to do something for the sake of doing it, i won't do it. so if i'm just saying i'll do something because this "new year" is a "fresh start"...yeah, it's not going to get done. i just want to keep doing what i've been trying to do for a while now - keep trying to better myself, and to excel. work on me. i am going to add to that, though, that this year, i want to love myself. not just think i'm a badass, because of course i think that. but i really want to love and respect myself as a whole person.

i guess that's all. i happen to have a cold and i need to have my 5th cup of tea for the day. yumyum jasmine & chamomile :)

2010-12-11T00:06:00.000-08:00

i think i have seasonal affective disorder. SAD. saaaaadsack.

i used to joke about it, like it wasn't real or people were just making it out to be more than it really was. idk. i come from orange county. sure, i've seen snow, i've been cold, etc. before but i've never had to LIVE in it.

i'm having a very hard time adjusting.

i'm ok when i'm around other people. it keeps me distracted. it makes me forget. but being home alone sucks. debating living with a roommate next year. too bad i have a hard time getting along with other people who live with me. and the fact that i really don't like wearing pants.

another thing i hate about winter: i have to sleep with clothes on. really? ugh.

i'm tired all the time.

2010-11-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in a long time. almost a year. let's see.

since then, i've moved to columbus, OH. i'm going to the ohio state university college of medicine. yeah. holy shit. it's a double-edged sword.

the positives
- I'M A MEDICAL STUDENT. LOL.
- i have met some really amazing people here.
- i get to do independent study, so i don't have to go to lecture and i can still be a night owl, at least for the first 2 years.
- i'm living on my own again, which is awesome. i love my family, but i hate living with them.

the negatives
- my loved ones are still at home in sunny california. i miss my boyfriend every fucking second of every day and i will until i graduate, possibly longer, which sucks.
- it's cold. it's FREEEZING. my bones hurt and it's not even "real winter" yet.
- there are a lot of white people here. not that i have anything against white people, but i miss being surrounded by mexicans and asians.
- the food. i miss the food being cooked by mexicans. i miss the food in rowland being served and cooked by people who don't really speak english. i miss hilarious translations of chinese foods on menus.
- the distinct lack of frozen yogurt. pinkberry's ♥

clearly, the positive of being a med student far outweigh the negatives. some days are harder than others. i still talk to my boyfriend every day, and i think we're more in love now than we were before. i feel like that often, though, even before i left, which is a good way to feel.

i went home for thanksgiving last week, which was spectacular. i took a nap with my gramma, watched my brother play video games, hung out with my cousins, saw my friends and ate delicious food. i missed being around the people who helped make me who i am. sometimes, here in columbus, i don't really feel like myself. i have to watch what i say, or how i say it. being home was a needed relief from that. i could make off-color jokes, laugh until i snorted and cried, fall asleep on the beach, stomp around in the sand like a 5 year old. i could eat until it hurt, burp out loud, and just be.

i guess, since it's just past thanksgiving, i should say what i am thankful for. i am thankful to be back in school, to be working towards something that means something to me. i still feel lost a lot of the time, but i think that's normal. i hope that's normal.

i'm thankful for my family. for supporting me every step of the way, even if they didn't always express it in the nicest way. i'm thankful that no matter where i am in my life, i know they'll always be there for me to come back to.

i'm thankful for my friends. even if i don't talk to them every day, it feels like nothing's changed. we've known each other for a long time, and been through a stupid amount of drama, and now it's just easy. even though we're all doing completely different things, we get along well, and i hope that never changes.

i'm thankful for my boyfriend. i love him to death, and i can't wait until our lives are at a point where we can get married and, eventually, start a family. he makes me a better person every day, and i never have to apologize for who or how i am. his acceptance and love give me strength when i don't have it in myself.

i'm thankful that i am a medical student. even if i'm in a place that makes me miserable, i'm doing something that makes me happy. and, to be honest, OSU is a much better school than UCI. idk about in terms of ranking or anything, but in terms of the community-feel i guess. it's hard to describe.

there's obviously a lot more, but those are the big ones.

idk if i'll keep updating regularly. it's hard to find time to sit down and reflect, but i should probably do that more often. it might help with the stress. and sometimes i tend to get depressed, especially since it's getting colder/gloomier here, and i'm so far away from home. at home, i can just get a cuddle and a kiss and everything is better. here, i have to rely on myself. it'll make me stronger, i know, but that doesn't mean i have to like it.

2009-12-31T03:53:00.001-08:00

Happy new year, in a little over 20 hours.

Where I am is not where I had hoped to be. I could be in a worse situation, but it could also be significantly better. But...well, there's always next year, right?

Hope is a great, and terrible, thing.

Be safe.

2009-12-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

People will inevitably ask me, and I will more than likely say "I have no idea," which - at that moment in time - will not be a lie. But right now, I do have ideas, so I'm putting them down here. Don't ask me what I want; it's all below. If you can't get me any of those things, get me a gift card for somewhere where I can acquire said items. Williams Sonoma is preferred above all others. Wal-Mart is unacceptable.

Ramekins! Don't need to be fancy, but I'd like about a dozen if possible.

A silpat. There have been far too many times where I've thought "I'm going to make cookies/biscuits/something awesome" and realized my parents only ever have wax paper, not parchment paper (and I'm really forgetful, so I never remember to buy any). I'd like cookies that don't taste like crayons, plz & thx.

A Dutch oven. Even just a small one, but it'd be fucking awesome to have one, I've wanted one for a while but I hate splurging on myself.

Round cutters, like the kind for cookies and biscuits and the like. I only really need one, when it comes down to it, since...that makes sense. Seasonal cookie cutters are also welcome, but by the time you give me a Christmas present it'll probably be a little late.

Pastry cutter! I have made all my pastry dough by hand to date, which is why I've only ever made, like, 4 pies, despite the fact that everyone loves pies.

A set of nice whisks, preferably including a mini one. I used to have some shitty ones from Target but I used them so much I broke one and the others just got worn down and sad. I bought a nice silicone one but I miss whisking with stainless steel. I don't know there's just something more efficient about it, or it seems that way to me.

A tart or quiche pan. It's just not the same trying to make a tart in a pie or cake pan.

A springform pan. I've never attempted a cheesecake because I lack this vital tool. Unless there is another way to make a cheesecake without a springform pan, in which case PLEASE LET ME KNOW because my mom would go nuts if I made cheesecake. We'd also all get really, really fat in a couple weeks time but it'd be worth it. Mmm cheesecake.

That's all I can think of for now, but if anything comes to mind I'll be sure to add it to this list since I know people get upset with me every year for saying "I DON'T KNOWWWW."

2009-12-05T04:23:00.000-08:00

it's been over a year since my last post. i don't really know how to sum up a year.

i graduated. i have a B.S. i'm 21. people refer to me as a "woman" now instead of a "girl." i find that strange and it makes me uncomfortable.

peter and i celebrated 3 years together in october. it's been wonderful. i found the love of my life and i'm thankful for it every day. i know how lucky i am and i'm grateful. i didn't used to believe in love. i used to be bitter, and angry, and cynical, and made fun of people for being cheesy. now i'm the one making googly eyes, and you know what? it's great. more than great. there aren't strong enough words to describe how happy i am about him, and us.

i'm living with my parents again. i vowed sometime in college to never move back in with them, that they were toxic, this place was toxic. being here still makes me depressed as hell, and brings back a lot of old emotions that i've tried to bury/recover from, but i'm doing well, i think. i went to therapy for a while. i'm not sure how i feel about it. one of the people i saw helped, the latest one not so much. i haven't been in about a month but i'm debating going back just...idk, just 'cause. i cry a lot. it's getting old.

my relationship with my dad is still crappy. it makes me sad but it's just a part of my life, at this point. i don't care enough to do anything about it, and all the ways i have of potentially dealing with it are too touchy-feely. we don't talk about our emotions in this family. mine will be different, i swear. i don't want my kids to ever be scared of me. respectful, yes. frightened, no.

oh yeah, i want kids now. i want a family. i want the white picket fence. sometimes i want to be the stay at home mom who cleans all day and has the house smelling like apple pie, not bc of some glade candle or plug-in, but because i baked it from scratch before everyone gets home. sometimes i want to be the single-minded neurologist, lost in a world of neural connections and disorders and diseases, oblivious to the world around them. i have these two passions and i don't know how to reconcile them. ah, the plight of women in this age. now i know what everyone was talking about and it sucks.

i'm applying to med school again. things are going much better this time around. i won't say anything in more detail than that because i'm superstitious, but once may 15 rolls around i'll probably update about where i decide to go.

my schedule's pretty chill right now. i go to research 3-5 days a week, pretty much whenever i feel like it. i stay until 6 or 7 so i don't have to sit in too much traffic, and have to spend a minimal amount of time at home. on wednesdays i go to cuidar, we work with preschool aged children. it's kind of like babysitting which is awesome. i'm going to start working for choc, at radio lollipop. i have a choc mug from my orientation. it's big and i make ovaltine in it and it makes me happy. i get to see peter almost every day, which is...awesome, to say the least.

i don't have a lot to complain about, and a lot to be happy for. sometimes it's hard to remember that, though.

idk if i'll be updating regularly. i kind of forgot this existed. i like this layout a lot, though. peter made it for me a long time ago. it's cold, and i should go to bed.

2008-11-21T17:11:00.001-08:00

Um, I missed all of October. Happy Halloween! I didn't do anything as I had to get up on Nov. 1st at 4am for research.

It's not that nothing has been happening in my life. But I feel like even though things are happening, I, as a person, am remaining stagnant.

But things are going to change. I can feel it.

2008-09-21T02:35:00.001-07:00

This is a very good article concerning cancer prevention. Read it.

I'm still alive. That is all.

2008-08-19T01:32:00.000-07:00

I miss my dadaji.

I've been listening to one song which makes me think of him a lot. Not for any specific reason directly related to him, he's never heard it and he probably wouldn't like it much if he listened to it anyway. But I like to put it on repeat for a dozen times or so and just lay back and close my eyes and think.

I miss feeling like my life was going somewhere.

2008-07-13T15:39:00.001-07:00

Wow, I kind of did forget this blog existed. My bad.

I am:
- losing weight (again..hrm)
- applying to med schools! oh so exhilarating, and scary
- watching lots of X Files in prep for the 2nd movie
- not sleeping at night (again :/)

I don't know. Life is really busy right now, I'm overwhelmed with work, research, applications, other projects.

I'll make a real update eventually.

2008-05-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

She tried to recognize
The face behind her lies.
She cut herself right open wide,
And found nothing left inside.

When I feel like people are watching me when I'm doing normal everyday things, like walking from one place to another, I start talking to myself and for some reason I always say numbers. "24 out of 36 people blah blah blah." What the fuck, right?

So it's been a while. What have I been up to? Boatloads!

I started doing research at the CDC, for a new drug for ADHD. I love it. I honestly fucking love it. The people there are really great, I'm finally exposed to clinical research which is a first for me, and it's something I can add to my resume. And it is just a lot of fun. It takes up pretty much all my free time since I started late in the quarter because of the MCAT and I need to make up all those hours I missed, on top of my normal hours. But it's ok, I suppose, since I enjoy it.

I took the MCAT. My life didn't feel much better after that. I'm just about done with my personal statement for med schools, have a rough draft of all my secondaries and my experience list, which I really should work on but I'll get to it later. I've got a list of schools I'm applying to. I've asked the majority of people I want a letter of rec from to write one for me. There's only two people left I have to ask - my supervisor at research, who I'll ask on Friday, and my neuro professor right now, who I have no idea when to ask because I never have time to go to his office hours because of research. Dilemma, dilemma. I'm freaking out about that last one, really. I also need to call someone about a letter of rec b/c I asked her for one and we played phone tag for a while and since then I haven't really made an effort to make contact which, yes, makes me a horrible person, but I'm pretty sure she'll still write me a good letter b/c she's pretty awesome like that. I think I'm going to take her out to dinner on Sunday so we can talk about it.

Classes are going pretty well. I'm only taking two lectures and two labs, and I'm actually not swamped in terms of classes alone. I will be, once finals roll around, but for now I've got pretty much everything under control.

Work is decent. I feel really bad because I asked my adviser to write me a letter of rec, but this quarter has been a wreck for me so I've had to cancel a couple sessions and I missed one because of a flat tire. But I've never been iffy about holding a makeup session, and I've made up everything that I've had to cancel. But I think my reviews at the end of the quarter will be good, and she seems to be understanding about it all.

Med school apps are supposedly made available tomorrow. MCAT scores are supposedly made available in about a week. I am seriously on edge about both these things, although the app really shouldn't be bad since I've done the hardest part already - the personal statement. It's the MCAT score I'm worried about. If that's not solid, then I'm probably going to postpone applying for a year, which I really, REALLY do not want to do. I don't want to take a year off or spend another year finishing up a master's or anything. I want to be in med school NOW. I've dreamed about it for so long, it's the only thing I think about. Well, that, and my PhD. I honestly have dreams about being a grad student. I actually couldn't sleep Sunday night because I kept waking up every 30 minutes thinking "OH SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE MY THESIS PAPER." Which is ridiculous because my PhD is WAYY down the line, I have to finish my MD first, but still. Crazy!

I plan on working and doing research this summer, and I'm not taking class. I'm not taking class. I'm not taking summer school. Wow. I'm actually kind of nervous and I'm thinking about enrolling in a class each session JUST BECAUSE I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THAT FREE TIME. But doing that would mean graduating early. The school's really intent on getting rid of me. I keep getting emails and phone calls and letters about graduating, and Sherry told me they don't want me to stay another year because I have too many damn units. Haha! Work and research will keep me occupied, but not busy. I can't remember the last time I HAVEN'T been busy. Even over spring and winter break, I'm always busy. It's going to be very, very strange.

I dunno how I feel. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad. I'm not content, but I'm not discontent. I'm just kind of...taking it day by day. I do love all the things I'm doing. I love my job, as exhausting as it can be. I love research. I love the classes I'm taking. There is nothing else I'd rather be doing with my life right now. To be honest, if I could be a student for the rest of my life, I might not even mind it that much. Maybe after I do the whole research hospital thing I'll be a professor. Hurray, stuck in college life forever! What a dream.

I guess I'm in a good place. I'm just tired. But it's worth it.

2008-04-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive! I promise. I'm just crazy overwhelmed right now. As soon as I get my shit together I'll try to update this for real.

2008-04-06T06:03:00.000-07:00

This is interesting. It's nice to see a different point of view that's not preaching and not discounting science based on belief, but trying to integrate the two. I wish more people who were religious would see science as something that mirrors divinity, instead of seeing it as an extreme opposite to be attacked. Personally, still atheist, but I do find in science my own religion. The thought that all these enzymes in my body, all these cells with special functions working together to create a body and a conscience and a human, is nothing short of awe-inspiring. The brain itself is pretty much the most fascinating thing I've come across in my entire life. And you know that when the work you're doing sometimes makes you just have to sit back, take a deep breath, and go "Wow." that you're doing something really worth it.

The other day, April 1st, I saw a few people walking around campus wearing boxes on their heads with emoticons (><, . . and ._.) and nobody said anything. Nobody even gave them a second glance. This is the only time and place in my entire life where something is absurd and completely nonsensical as that just gets accepted as a given.

I love my life.

2008-03-28T01:51:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm drowning. I have so much studying to do for the MCAT (at least 5-6 hours/day for the next 3 weeks). I have to catch up on a lot of stuff for med school applications - i.e. letters of rec. I haven't asked anyone yet. I have a few people in mind but I'm scared to ask because I'm scared they'll say no, and if everyone on my list says no at this point, I'm basically fucked. School is starting and I am not ready. On top of school starting will be work starting, which is a lot of extra time, as much as I enjoy my job. I'm also starting research soon, and I have to get all the registration stuff done ASAP. A lot of it is getting done by Monday which isn't too bad but I'm still nervous because the deadline is 04/11 and it's coming up fast.

All the time, I just feel like breaking down and crying for hours and hours and hours. But I can't. It's a waste of time and unproductive. It might make me feel better, but in the end I'll end up regretting it so I just keep my head down and keep powering through this shit.

My sleep schedule is completely fucked. It's not really a schedule, to be honest. It's work work work, eat, take a nap for a couple hours, wake up, work, work, work. I keep losing track of what day it is because I don't run by night/day anymore and my circadian rhythm is essentially nonexistent at this point. I'm going to try and fix that Saturday since I need to start waking up early but who knows. Maybe I'll just keep this up. But it's so bad for me. I don't know.

I feel like shit constantly. I don't have time to cook and plan out meals for myself, so I end up just eating whatever I can get my hands on - mostly greasy junk, and then I end up feeling nauseous and wondering why. I'm chronically dehydrated but I can't force myself to drink water because it tastes like shit. I even bought those Crystal Light packets you can mix into your water bottles but that doesn't really help much.

I can't wait for summer. Med school app will be done, the MCAT will be done (I am NOT going to retake it - this is my one time and I WILL kick ass. The MCAT is my bitch), and all I'll have to focus on is research and volunteering in Santa Ana if I feel like it. I probably will because I think otherwise I'll be too bored, but it'll be good. I can play games and read and actually enjoy myself. Considering I didn't really have a winter break or a spring break, I think I deserve it.

I miss my mom.

Ok. Back to work.

2008-03-26T20:47:00.001-07:00

Maybe I'll die in a horrible car crash Friday evening on my way home.

That would be nice, in a completely selfish way.

Peaceful, finally.

If only.

2008-03-24T16:48:00.001-07:00

My dad says "don't follow your dream." I have literally no choice in the matter. So fine. Fuck you. I'll postpone it.

Seems kind of backwards to take advice from someone who has never accomplished any one personal dream, though, doesn't it?

Yeah fuck all of you. So fine, I can't do it now, but watch me if I don't fucking do it later. I would rather die than finish my career knowing I didn't do everything I could.

I wish my dad would suck it the fuck up and realize that maybe, in a lot of ways, he's not the fucking best. Instead of telling me to get my head out of the clouds, maybe he should be looking in the mirror and making some fucking conclusions based on that. I've worked my ass off long and hard. I may not have the best transcript or resume, but I am a damn fucking good candidate and I'm not just going to accept "You can't do this" as an answer.

So fuck you and die, dad. Suck god's great big cock.

2008-03-19T15:29:00.000-07:00

So things are looking up.

I'm trying to get back in with the social crowd, actually leave my apartment every once in a while instead of just staying locked indoors for days on end. I'm doing well on finals; aced two already, have one Friday morning that I haven't studied for or even been to class for since the midterm, but I'll probably rape that one too. Research stuff is moving forward, I'm going in next week to look at my project and protocol so I can draft my proposal and enroll. Still haven't started studying for the MCAT, but that's all I plan on doing over spring break. Hopefully I actually WILL do it, and not just slack off the entire week. I also need to start going to the gym again, I feel like a giant blob and I haven't weighed this much my entire life. It might be ok if I was growing taller, but I'm not haha.

I don't know if I'm really happy or if I've just accepted that there are no alternatives. I guess it doesn't matter much either way.

2008-03-14T03:59:00.001-07:00

Who gets depressed because their medical anthropology paper is beginning to run too long and so they have to choose between discussing the possible reemergence of eugenics or the Harvard controversy with Wilzer?

I do :(

2008-03-13T04:23:00.000-07:00

I thought I had all my anger issues under control, and that I was doing better, and I was functioning better.

But I guess not. I've been filled with this...burning, furious, fucking insane rage the past couple days. I've screamed myself hoarse, almost lost my voice. I've caused scenes that could easily have been avoided and were completely unnecessary.

It's weird. Like, one week of not seeing my anger therapist and I go right back to all my bad habits. Not even just a little bit, like testing the water with your big toe. I fucking dove headfirst and now I think I'm drowning.

I think I need a fucking vacation. A real one. I can't wait for winter break. December, you seem so very far away :(

Anyway. I've been working on this research paper for my med anthro class for the past...5 hours? I'm intently focused, not tired at all, everything's planned out in my head at this point but I'm having a hard time getting it all out on paper.

I miss this feeling. Wandering around campus at midnight looking for a place to study, taking over a lecture hall until the janitors kick us out, moving to the only 24 hour lab at 3am after realizing I'd already been working all fucking night and taking over an entire table with my work.

Who am I kidding. I could never drop out of school. I get the biggest adrenaline rush out of learning. I am an intellectual at heart, and I can never deny that part of me.

Too bad it only comes out when I'm under the intense pressure of "oh-shit-this-is-due-soon." At least I know I won't freeze under pressure as a doctor when it comes to it. That's a good thing to know.

Back to work! Good christ it's 4.30 in the morning and I'm wide awake.

2008-03-10T21:25:00.001-07:00

Grandpa's funeral was today. He was wearing this neat little hat that he liked a lot. He looked spiffy. A lot of people said some really beautiful things about him, but I feel like no one can do him justice with any words spoken, ever.

I'm still a royal mess. Depressed, completely unmotivated. Any attempts I make just...don't seem worth it, and I keep giving up. Which is completely unlike me. Anyone who has ever known me knows that I have one of those "fight to the death" attitude. Not now.

I'm sick of being in this slump. I fucking disgust myself and I have never been so angry at myself or hated myself so violently before. And considering how fucked up I used to be, that's saying a lot. This bores me. Depression is fucking so boring. All I do is sit around all day and complain and mope and don't get anything done. Not even fucking play a stupid game I can level up in, I just lay around or sit around or eat too much or sleep too much.

I need to stop this. I just don't know how yet.

2008-03-08T05:42:00.000-08:00

My grampa's dead. He passed this Thursday at around 1pm, peacefully and with dignity. I mostly wish I had been there, but part of me is glad that I wasn't.

I've been in this rut, depressed and unmotivated, for the past few weeks. But I need to get out of it. I have to. Not just because of the demands of school and the very quickly approaching MCAT.

For the past few months, my gramps has been telling everyone at UCIMC, Coventry Court, and Anaheim Memorial that his granddaughter is a doctor. To him, I had already achieved everybody's dream for me, and mine for myself.

I can't fail this. Not just for me. But for him, too. And everyone else in my family that's counting on me.

Growing up is weird. I can still sit around and have burping contests and stay up all night playing video games and running to the 24 hour Wal Mart for glitter glue, but everything's different. I guess in some way I'm proud of myself. I've started to control my anger issues and have a better grasp on who I am as a person and why I do the things that I do. And I've accepted that, unfair and annoying as it is, there are some things you just have to do, not for yourself, but because it helps the people around you be a little bit stronger, even if they don't realize it. And I guess growing up is, in a lot of ways, being able to do things for people that are incredibly hard for you but still go mostly unnoticed on the part of others, because it's such a subtle thing. Maybe it's doing things you really don't want to do, and not getting any credit for it, and being okay with that.

I still have a long way to go, though. I can't say that I look forward to it, but I'm not going to run from it. And that's a lot more than most people can say for themselves.

2008-03-04T14:53:00.001-08:00

Everything at the hospital is the same. I guess Thursday is some holy day so the whole end-all will happen then. I think I'll be ok, I've dealt with everything that's come my way so far with relative maturity and I can safely say I'm proud of myself. And I think I will be ok. But I don't think anyone else in my family will be, not for a very long time. And I don't know that there's anything I can do, but this is not something I can (or want to) run from. It's just one more thing I have to power through like a fucking bull with horns.

I clearly like to ravage everything that stands in my way.

Thank you to the friends that have been there for me. I know I don't put in a lot of effort to maintain any relationships, and that kind of makes me the odd one out in most cases. But thank you to my real friends who are there for me even though I haven't spoken to you for months, if not longer. You know who you are, and I hope you know that I'd do anything for you.

On a less sappy note yet a much more boring one, I have a shitload of work to go through. Tonight I want to finish at LEAST half my research paper, finish off the rest tomorrow. Then Thursday is no work day, b/c how could anybody work under those circumstances? I mean, really. Then spend all day Friday reviewing all physics. All day Saturday doing ochem units 1 and 2, and Sunday doing ochem unit 3. The week after that, Monday bio units 1-3, Tuesday gchem units 1-3, Wednesday take a break and eat some sushi, Thursday write at least 15 MCAT essays, Friday verbal reasoning units 1-3, Saturday start studying for finals. The entire week after that until March 21st is studying for/taking finals, maybe a full length here or there if I have some free time. March 22nd, take a break. Sunday 23rd-Thursday 27th, review one entire subunit (ochem/gchem/physics/bio/verbal) every day and take at LEAST one full length every day. Enjoy the last day of my spring break Friday the 28th, and then I'll work up another schedule based on my score on the full lengths by that point. I'm hoping to improve to at least a 35 by then (I'm at a 29 right now...not good, but not horrible either). I'm kind of scared b/c right after spring break ends I know I'm going to be drowning in a boatload of work - two lectures, two labs, LARC, and MCATs. LARC and MCATs, to be honest, will be what takes up most of my time. I'm hoping my bio lab is fairly easy, but I am worried about physics lab.

It's ok. I am overwhelmed, but it's ok. Because who am I? I am fucking psychobitchface and I will kick life's ass!

Sometimes I have to give myself a massive pep talk just to get the fuck out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it works.

2008-03-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

My gramps is 98% braindead. I don't want to go through the whole damn story, and to be frank, it's not really most people's business. Point is, tomorrow we get to decide whether or not to pull the plug. We're all just praying he dies of a heart attack before then so it's natural, and we don't have to live with the guilt of making that decision.

We thought he was fucking getting better.

This makes me angry. This makes me FURIOUS. I want to shout and scream and kick down doors and strangle people. But it's not like there's anybody to blame. There's no "One Thing" that caused all this. It was just a series of events which led to one another and it was, essentially, unavoidable. There are no "What if"s or any other heavy questions on my mind. I do believe that this is his time. I just wish he could have passed peacefully in his sleep, next to his wife, in his home, surrounded by love and warmth and comfort and familiarity. Instead, he will die in a cold hospital with beeping machines. At least he's still being surrounded by family, even in his last moments.

That's my favorite thing about my life. My family. I mean, I bitch and moan about them a lot and sometimes I'd even go so far as to say I hate them, but without them, I'm nothing. Even though some people have personal issues with one another, when it comes down to it, we will band together and fight the fuck out of you, and we'll do it together and we'll do it strong. And family was really the most important thing to Dadaji, so I guess it's a good thing that he'll still be surrounded by their love when it's his time.

I've been trying to work the past couple nights, but all this has been going on and I can't focus on anything. I just want to rip my skin off. I spent the past 3 hours furiously cleaning my room. I'd do my laundry but I have no fucking detergent and I don't feel like driving anywhere right now. Then I made up a detailed study list of what I'm going to work on every day from now until March 20th, at which point I'll see where I'm standing in terms of my work with MCATs and either stop studying (my plan would mean working 12-14 hours/day and that's pretty much covering EVERYTHING) or just take a week off and then the week before the MCAT just review everything. I don't know. If I can stick to this plan, then I can ace the shit out of the MCAT and even spend up to a week or two between now and then NOT DOING ANYTHING. But my plan doesn't take into account things that I have no control over right now - mainly, the funeral. It'll be a whole day affair and there is no way I can work on whatever day it is. I'm just hoping it's AFTER finals, but I have a feeling it might not be. Which kind of fucks me over for finals, but it's not really like I have a say in the matter. "Hey, Dadaji, can you stop decomposing for, say...a week? Thanks, I'd really appreciate it." Not to be base or disrespectful or anything. It's just the truth. It also doesn't take into account my workload once the spring quarter starts, which is definitely going to be intense.

I just don't want to think about anything anymore. I want to run away. No more MCATs, no more med school, no more fucking studying for THE ENTIRE DAY UNTIL MY GODDAMN ASS FEELS LIKE IT'S GOING TO FALL OFF FROM SITTING FOR SO LONG. No more inane lectures that are completely useless. No more anything. I just want to immerse myself in the black emptiness of nothing.

2008-02-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

Don't count on me,
I won't be responsible.

I found a lab to work in! And they want me to work there! I'm so excited :]

I've spent the past hour cleaning my room. Taking out the literal PILES of trash, the PILES of dirty dishes, cleaning counters, sticking my laundry in the wash. It's still not organized, but at least it's clean. Now I just have to clean the bathroom and I think I'll be done with that.

I also have to take all the paper mache and plastic wrap off all the shit we bought from WalMart for film dash and return that soon. It was all like...I dunno, about $100? And I'd like to get that money back b/c that's, like, 2.5 weeks of food. Or like 5 pairs of jeans. Shoot! I'm just not sure where to do that b/c it'll make a mess in and of itself. The best place would be Peter's backyard but I don't want to load all this shit into my car and go do that there. I'll figure something out. Maybe find a fucking tarp for my floor, yeah!

Mad Film Dash awards ceremony tomorrow night, 7pm! I'm excited. I really hope ours gets shown.

I have MCAT class tonight. I don't want to go :( I have to study and do research for my anthro paper and maybe, hopefully, oh goodness please, be able to finish a rough draft tonight so that I can take it to my professor's office hours tomorrow. That does, however, most likely mean an all nighter. Whatever! Peter just got me some new coffee, smells delicious, so I suppose I'll just make a couple pots of that tonight.

I like being productive but I hate studying :/ Also, oh my god, I missed industrial music so much.

I miss the old me, sometimes. The bitter, angry, violent, lonely me. As fucked up as I was in the head, I got a lot more shit done haha.

2008-02-21T01:21:00.000-08:00

Life is weird.

I'm eating better, I'm trying to sleep better. I'm working on going to all my classes. That's a lot easier when I'm actually running on a full night's sleep.

But I still can't seem to get myself to crack down and start studying. Bah!

Shoot, this is going to be a boring post. Go listen to some Shpongle.

2008-02-11T02:32:00.001-08:00

What do you think?
Can't think at all.
What you gonna do?
Gonna live my life.

Let's see. Things are insane. That's ok. I'm handling my shit and kicking ass, taking names, etc. It's a nice feeling.

Wednesday and Thursday pulled all nighters to study for my two midterms on Friday. That was exciting. Ended up missing my MCAT class Thursday night but it's ok because I think I can make it up by watching a video of the session in the video lab. Have to go in on Monday and make sure about that, because if not I have to drive down to fucking Biola and make it up there at the end of the month ugh.

Friday, two midterms. Aced the SHIT out of them. D103 kind of freaked me out because it seemed too easy, but that ended up just me feeling paranoid. I haven't gotten my grade for anthro back, but I feel like I did really well. I probably could have done better, but considering how exhausted I was, I did pretty awesome.

Napped for a couple hours on Friday, had sushi for dinner, yay! And then at midnight, MAD FILM DASH BABY. Last year we tried it, but I had a midterm the Monday after that I had WAY too much preparing to do, so I ended up dropping out. Peter tried to do it on his own but things weren't working out so we didn't finish, and spent the last hour when everyone was rushing and turning it in at the beach having a bonfire and just being sad. But THIS YEAR WAS AMAZING. We got this guy Ted to work with us, met him on anteaterforum. Then at like 2am I realized I needed an actress once I had written the story and freaked out because we're not allowed to add anyone to the group after the competition starts, but I asked the guys running it and they said they'd make an exception since it was still so early in the competition. Got Bridget Wu to be my actress and, as far as I'm concerned, she did a fucking amazing job. We didn't get to do all the fancy ass shit we'd hope we'd be able to do with editing, but we got everything filmed and edited with AMAZING music on time (like...8 minutes before the deadline, sweeet), and we both felt really good about the end product, even though it might not have been EPIC, it was still something we could both be proud of. And I could not ask for anything more.

Oh, except sleep maybe. I did get in about 12 hours after film dash was over. Woke up today at 2pm and started freaking out because I had too much work to do. Tried to work at my apartment but my roommate was using her sewing machine which is literally RIGHT OUTSIDE MY DOOR. Not sure why she couldn't do that shit in her room, but whatever. I'm attempting to not project my cognitive distortions on others, which is what Dr. Caillet told me to try. I still get very very angry though. But I'm getting better about not letting it turn into a blind rage that inhibits me from doing anything. Anyway. Got to the library around 5. It is now almost 3am and I just finished going over the lecture on neurulation. Have two more lectures to go, on nematode development. The reason it's taking me so damn long is that I didn't go to class, because it's so fucking boring and I just end up falling asleep, so I have to teach myself EVERYTHING. Which is generally how things go with me. I'm very bad about going to class :/ I'm definitely doing a lot better this quarter, but I still miss a few every once in a while, and this stupid class I haven't gone to since the midterm. Whatever. As long as I can ace it, who cares, right?

Anyway. The plan is to work through the night. I have to learn the last two lectures, then go over all 7 lectures so that I don't just have a feel for everything, but I actually KNOW it and understand all the underlying concepts. I figure I should be able to finish that by, say, 7 or 8am. Then go over old midterms until 9.30am, spend an hour going over shit that I'm not 100% sure about. 10.30, go to my first class, new professor so I figure I should go. Noon, take my midterm. 1, anthro class. 2, appointment with Dr. Caillet. 3pm, get home, maybe toss a pork butt in the oven for some pulled pork at night.

And then. That glorious, amazing, delicious restorative experience known as SLEEP.

I'm scheduled for an interview with Hoag in March. I didn't really enjoy my experience there as much as others did, but I do need more clinical work and maybe this time things will work out differently. As soon as my stupid midterms are over, I need to work on my CV and send that out to a couple different research opportunities, as well as contact the one I REALLY want to do at the end of the quarter. Need to email Tracey Ngo, like, now, to let her know I will be returning to LARC next quarter. I wonder what I'll tutor. I think I need to stick with something easy, probably not bio99 because it would just be too much work in conjunction with everything else I'd be doing. I also just got offered a position as Director of Volunteers with a skin cancer research group over at UCI medical school, which I am most definitely taking and am so freaking excited about. On top of that, still have to START studying for the MCAT in April :x Then med school applications start being accepted in June, so I need to work on those starting around March, but I'll probably end up putting it off until May because that's just what I do.

Good LORD I am so busy I wish I could just drop out of school and spend the rest of my life playing video games and ice skating.

2008-02-04T03:24:00.000-08:00

What does it cost for this life of excess?
Would you ever miss your desk's caress?
There is no mouth to trace its shape on you,
But you seem to let it fuck you anyway.

I switch back and forth. Completely overwhelmed, assured of my inevitable failure at everything. 100% confident in my abilities and my violent success in the future. There is no middle ground. There is no maybe. I either can or can't. It's strange, because before, failure was not an option. It was never even a coherent idea in my mind, that I could possibly not get into med school, that I could possibly not handle the massive workload that is looming in front of me. I was kickass, I could handle anything, I was the Ubermensch. I could and would conquer all.

But now, there is a very real chance that I will not get my dreams landing in my lap, fat and juicy and rewarding in its implications. There is a very real chance that I will not get into med school this year, that I'll have to put it off another year and work on my masters instead.

It was scary as shit when it first hit me. I cried, a lot. I wrung my fingers, I bit my lips until they bled. The past two days have been absolute hell. I have never doubted my abilities this strongly before.

But there's no more time for that now. Now is the time for action. Now is not the time to sit around and wonder "What if?" "Why not?" "But maybe...?" This is the point where the maybe's are weeded out from the will-be's.

I will be.

Accepting other options is accepting failure, and that's not who I was raised to be. Don't get me wrong, I am still very tangibly scared. But the difference between what I will get and failure is that I can channel that fear into productivity.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize just how FUCKING AWESOME I AM. FUCK YEAH, SEAKING.

2008-02-03T00:08:00.000-08:00

Everything is overwhelming. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control very fast and there is nothing to grab onto. It's like what I'd imagine being sucked down a wormhole to be like. You just feel so goddamn powerless.

April 19th - MCAT.
June - start applying to med schools/start research

They seem like such simple things but they will ruin your life.

2008-01-29T16:02:00.000-08:00

A short, completely selfish, and inherently unreliable life history.
birth - high school: functional member of society
13-14: mostly normal, happy, had friends. content teen.
15-16: completely mindfucked. ED, self destructive, angsty bitchface. absolutely nutso.
17-18: pretty content, happy, functional member of society. just nursing some wounds but getting better.
19: completely mindfucked, part 2. social recluse, hermit, addict, anxious. absolutely nutso.

Which means a good couple of years should be heading my way soon, right? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

I think I just need to listen to more angry music. I'm consistently amazed at how stupid people are. And my mom tells me to be more tolerant. That woman has no idea how much bullshit, ignorance, and blind-sighted pettiness I tolerate on a daily basis. I haven't even DONE anything, I literally just sit holed up in my room 24/7 either studying or sleeping or eating or gaming. And my roommates apparently have some issue with me. One of them hasn't looked me in the eye or said hello to me in like 3 or 4 days, and the other is apparently avoiding me. I have done NOTHING. I am the most benign person on the planet. I keep to myself and don't break other peoples' shit.

If my fucking parents would just let me live with boys, I might actually be happy for once with my living situation since I've come to college. I hate girls. I hate girls I hate girls I hate girls I hate girls I hate girls oh god they are so stupid. Boys are wonderful. They don't cook much, so I'd essentially have the kitchen to myself. They have gaming systems, so I wouldn't have to buy another xbox360 and I could actually maybe play games with someone other than Peter. They're quiet. Well, not frat boys, but as far as I'm concerned they're on the same level as girls. And they're smart, so I wouldn't literally be surrounding by people who are fucking idiots. I'd pick a quiet, nerdy boy over anyone, any day. Like the one I've got! :D

I was driving down the 55 today, where it ends at the 91, and there was literally nobody else. There were people behind me and on the other side of the fwy, but in front of and around me there was nobody. Sometimes, I wish there'd be some giant catastrophic, extinction event and that I'd be one of the few survivors. This world could be so much more beautiful if it was empty, or at least with a drastically reduced population. There are too many, there is too much. I'm so sick of everyone with their fucking tunnel vision and their bullshit drama and just everyone's crap.

Humanity doesn't deserved to be called by its own name. What a shame.

2008-01-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

I'm frighteningly good at menial tasks. I remember assembling zines with Mark Walsh back at Troy. Annoying, mindless work. But I'm so good at it. I just spent like two hours folding flyers for my dad and I completely fucked up the skin on my thumb but hell, they all look really good and have near perfect folds. But that bothers me. I don't want to be good at boring, lame shit. Oh well. I guess I make up for it by being good at non-lame shit too.

Sushi sushi sushi sushi sushi sushi sushi. I can't stop thinking about sushi. I have no desire for any other foods now. This obsession is getting out of control :( I don't have the money to eat sushi every week! Oh boy.

I realized a couple days ago why I like bio so much and why understanding it comes to me more naturally than a lot of people I know. The majority of bio majors see every bio class as just memorizing cycles and names and structures, and then you forget about it. But in my head, everything fits together like puzzle pieces and explains the bigger picture. And I'm very, very grateful that I can do that.

I've become a little girl lately. Afraid to be alone, incapable of making a decision on my own, letting the smallest things inconvenience and essentially cripple me. This makes me very angry. I used to love being alone. Being alone was a sacred time, a time where I could just breathe and think and grow and rest and I loved it. But now it's scary and boring and that is not ok. And I'm working on it. I think I'm getting a little bit better. I hope I am. Writing helps. Maybe I'll start writing again. Maybe not. I don't know.

I wish it would rain again tonight.

[edit] looks like a storm tonight! Sweet! And my car is actually parked in a garage so it won't get flooded. This is freaking awesome.

Also, the real reason for the edit was to share this link. The internet in '96. I lol'd profusely. [/edit]

2008-01-25T00:14:00.000-08:00

You know, they always describe situations where friction and air resistance don't apply as "ideal". That's really far from ideal. Can you imagine a world where there is no friction? Half the fun of sex is gone right there, in that instant. Cars would work entirely differently. Everything would always be slipping and sliding everywhere. I think the basic issue of tape would fail, too. Not 100% sure about that one though. And air resistance is a very good thing. I dunno. Just something to think about, I guess. Not an ideal world at all.

I hate MCAT class. Boring as fuck. But the class is so small I can't really read a book or something without looking like a total douchebag to everyone. So I just zone out. Which I guess is just as bad but eh.

I splurted ketchup all over the place today. I'm kind of awesome.

2008-01-23T04:55:00.000-08:00

It's 5am and I have been awake for a very long time. My shoulders hurt and I have this huge callous on my middle finger of my right hand and my hands are covered in blue ink because I am a very messy writer, apparently. And yet, I'm about 99% certain I will ace the shit out of my midterm tomorrow. It's a comfortable feeling.

I can't decide whether or not I miss this, working into the night and driving the streets all by my lonesome, no cars to get in my way, nobody at the computer lab to bug the shit out of me. The whole world, sleeping soundly, except me and the birds, cold as shit. I got sleepy around 2am, my proclaimed bedtime for waking up somewhere between 9-11am and having a productive day. I have no idea whether I will be exhausted as fuck tomorrow or fully functional. I don't really care. I get more work done this way, which I guess is the entire point of being a student. And what with MCATs coming up, I guess I have to give up the luxury of getting a full night's sleep almost every night. Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.

I made dinner tonight. Ugh god it was delicious. A spinach pizza (premade, Costco is my friend), layered with an omelette (I got a new 8" skillet, so it fit perfectly! hurray! new little pan to make quick things with, perfect for bento), some slices of genoa salami, spinach dip for some sauce, some tomato slices, and another spinach pizza on top to make it a sandwich. Tasty as a slice of heaven, but really filling. One of those is two good sized, hearty servings. I made two. Haha. It was exciting to cook. Puppy and I really do work like clockwork in the kitchen. I think when I retire I'll open up a little restaurant.

I made a sweet ass collage of the family for my gramps' birthday. I'm really excited and proud. I wish I had been able to give it to him today (yesterday, really...Tuesday), but my entire day would have been ten times more hectic. Oh well. The doctors say he's coming home on Friday! Which is really exciting. So I'll give it to him then :)

Let's see. Midterm tomorrow, two midterms next next Friday, and then a midterm the Monday after that (with Mad Film Dash in between the two). MCAT class every Tu/Th with loads of homework. I don't have access to my online syllabus and shit so I can't really do much (well, any) of the required homework so I'm already behind. That's a familiar feeling. I am one busy bee.

I wish I had some damn friends in this city. I'm fucking lonely.

2008-01-22T00:40:00.000-08:00

I am in no mood to be a student any longer. I tire of the struggle and am thoroughly bored with this situation. Next, please.

I wish.

It's 1am and all I can think about is cooking. But I have no income of my own to get groceries with and my mom keeps telling me to buy less groceries. So I've been living off preprocessed, frozen foods for the last couple weeks and have a very angry stomach as a result. Ugh. I am going to shank someone if I don't have a good, freshly prepared meal soon! Even though that means I'll be eating dinner at like 11pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays...well, as long as it's good for me and warm and delicious, etc. Shoot I wish my dad had just opened up a goddamn restaurant.

I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with my obsession for food. At first I thought it was the remnant of past eating issues just kind of sticking around in the back of my head for lack of a better place to go. But it's really just how I've been brought up. You get home? Eat something! You're sad? Eat something! You're mad? Eat something! You're downstairs? Eat something! Haha. I grew up eating and being surrounded with food. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. The kitchen is a warm place and I feel very comfortable in mine. I feel like a grownup a little bit haha.

Also, I ate too many hot cheetos :( Belly hurts. I have now regressed to 5 year old status.

There's no power in the 'verse can stop me. :)

2008-01-13T03:40:00.001-08:00

New layout. Thank you puppy :)

Elections are coming up. I don't care who wins, because it's not going to be Grampa Gravel. (but vote for him). My mom is voting for Hilary because she is a woman. That is the shittiest reason in the world to vote for someone. To be honest, no candidate appeals to me. For the first time in my life, I can vote, and I don't even see the point. This should depress you.

Oh yeah. Happy new year. I hope yours was infinitely less shittier than mine. But I am glad I got to be with the very few friends that I do have at midnight. Thank you for being there for me.

School started. It's the same as always. Annoying, a hassle, gets in the way of me living my life. The usual. I only have class 3 days a week, which would be nice if I didn't have MCAT class in the evenings of the days I have off. Oh well. It's only for a few months.

My brother's going through that annoying teenage phase where you think you know everything and you're better than everyone and your family sucks and you wish they would just leave you alone. It really makes me want to just beat the shit out of him, and then myself because I did the same thing through high school. Hey, at least he gets to have all his meals cooked for him, and he gets a guaranteed ride everywhere, and he doesn't have to do his own laundry or clean his room or bathroom or wake up on his own or anything. Shit I miss home food. It's really the best part about coming home on the weekends.

Yeah, my life is pretty boring right now.

2007-12-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

Climb, climb into the rocket,
And we set the fuse to go, go go.
Head start, cozy in the rocket,
And I need to go, go, go,go.

Haven't updated this in a while. Merry belated Christmas.

My life is good. Grades for fall quarter were decent. 1 point away from a solid A in bio, which pisses me off, and I didn't do so hot in soc but I didn't expect to so it's ok. I'm just glad the goddamn quarter is over. Winter break now. At home. It's weird to be here. It's nice to be with family, and I do love mine, as much as I bitch and moan about them whenever I'm here. Really, if it weren't for my stupid curfew I wouldn't mind being at home at all.

My grampa's not so good. Tumor in his small intestine. Surgery is Jan. 4. Pray for him, please.

You know, every year, I ask my aunt for a Borders gift card for Christmas. It's all I want - really. I spend far too much money on books and if someone else could do it for me, I'd really appreciate it and it would be nice because I do buy books on impulse sometimes. I basically have run out of any and all available shelf space in my home and apartment combined and have taken to piling them on the floor. Got to do something about that. But every year, she buys me makeup. Which makes me wonder...has she ever even taken a good look at me? I don't wear makeup, ever. Sometimes to big events but even then my mom has to talk me into it because I'd much rather just toss on some jeans and a sweatshirt and maybe some chapstick. But honestly, if you're not going to get me what I explicitly ask for, at least get me something that isn't an insult to my character or something that implies you don't know the least thing about me. I'd rather have no present at all than an insulting one. Don't get me wrong - I know she doesn't mean it, but that's how it is.

I also got a bunch of Best Buy gift cards which I am uber excited for. I just wish I had gotten them before I bought my DS and all the games for it and a couple more Xbox games and Stargate season 10 and Serj's new album and single hahaha. I blow so much money there it's ridiculous. But whatever. Better than, I don't know, clothes or some shit. At least this is stimulating, etc.

I caught a Geodude. That was the highlight of my day, other than eating at Chipotle and Yogurtland :) I'm pretty lame.

Let's see what else is new. I registered to take the MCATs. April 19th, Rancho Cucamonga (how the fuck do you spell that?!). I haven't started studying and I really don't want to. My Kaplan classes start Jan. 17th. Every Tues and Thursday evening from 6-9 pm for like...3 months? Yeah, massively lame but I don't really have a choice. I better do fucking well, because I'm really not in the mood to take them twice.

School starts in, like, a week and a half. 2 bio classes, a physics lab, and an anthro class. I am never taking a sociology class again oh god I'm so bad at soc. But anthro I'm good at. Which is strange because they're kind of related, but I'm just...really horrible at sociology. Too many terms to remember and weird shit. Anthro is easier. So I know that next quarter I can pull off a 4.0. I just have to, you know, do it. Like rly seriously because my GPA is static at 3.5 right now and I'm not getting into any decent med school with that, no matter how much I pray and hope and etc.

Firefly is an amazing show. I can't believe I didn't get around to watching it earlier, and it breaks my heart that they only got through one season. Joss Whedon is a fucking genius. I want to be on a spaceship :( My life is incredibly dull.

I've started reading God's Debris by Scott Adams. Some things in it are very interesting. Some make me want to punch babies in the face but I know it's just all theoretical probing. Some of his science is a little iffy and a couple things are just wrong or ignored, but he's not a scientist so for lay person reading it's a good, thought-provoking book. I'm not sure what to read next. Probably Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Philip K. Dick. I've got all these books sitting on my hard drive that I downloaded expressly so I wouldn't have to buy them and clutter up my already full floor/library, so I figure I might as well get around to reading them while I have the time. I wish I hadn't read all the Discworld novels because I'm in the mood for more :x I'll probably end up rereading one of them before the end of next week haha.

Ok this entry turned out to be much longer than I intended it to be. Time to go read or play Pokemon or nap or eat or something. That's really what my life consists of. Reading, video games, downloaded old scifi TV shows, food, and sleeping. This is a really dull break.

2007-12-10T03:45:00.001-08:00

Fractal dreams are strange. I wish my life was more exciting.

Finals this week. I'm tired and pulling several all nighters in a row. I. Am. Epic.

My winter break is going to be pretty lame. I'm not sure why I expected to get a real vacation. I haven't had one for over a year. I need a break, yo.

2007-11-24T02:09:00.000-08:00

My life is a general mess. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't know where I'm going. All I know is that all my dreams are turning into nightmares and I haven't slept through the night in a very, very long time.

You know, there's general stereotypes (that some studies have reportedly supported) saying that women are more trusting and honest, and men are the opposite. I'd say, in general, women are more trusting and honest, but the repercussions for lying to a woman are far, far worse than those for lying to a man. It's a funny thing, really. Although, maybe in some ways we are much less trusting. To the point where we don't know how to trust anymore. Or maybe that's just me.

My mom finally agrees that I am probably very slightly bipolar/manic. She seems to be pushing me to see a psychiatrist much more often lately. But it's too late. Back when I actually wanted to see one - back when it would have done me some good - everybody said I wasn't allowed. And now that things have gone too far, now that I am set in my ways and more stubborn than ever, now people are saying that maybe I need help. Yeah, well, fuck you. I didn't get it when I asked for it, so I'm never asking for it again.

I've started getting letters and packets from med schools. I want to cry each time Kelley tells me there was something in the mail for me. I remember coming into college with nothing but ambition. I told Jason I would save the world. Research was the one thing I truly felt would fulfill me. I felt like I had a calling. I felt on top of the world.

And now? Now I feel like I'm mediocre, and none of my dreams are even plausible. Who am I, to think that I am good enough to save a life? Who am I, to think that there is something hidden in my brain, some gem waiting to be discovered, that could change the course of medicine? Who am I to think I could leave a mark on history? I'm scared and I'm lost and I'm desperate to find some kind of meaning in this life that has suddenly become so empty and misguided.

I've said often I regret nothing in my life. This is a lie. If I could go back and do my second year of college over, I would. I would give up anything to do it again, because I truly feel that if I put myself first instead of anybody else, I'd still have a hope. I'd still have a dream. I'd still have a fucking future. But I destroyed it all, and I watched myself do it, and I never stopped myself. And now that I'm trying to put the pieces back together, I'm finding that too many are missing.

I've given up on a lot of bullshit, unimportant things in my life. But I never thought I would give up my future. And now it feels like I may not have a choice.

2007-11-17T03:14:00.000-08:00

Oslo in the summertime,
The streets are strangely quiet 'cause
Everyone's away on holiday.

This cycle numbs me. I don't know how so many people can be so...compliant with dull routine. With 9-5 jobs with the same people and the same bullshit everyday. Living in the same town for their entire life.

I haven't been out of this fucking country in what feels like forever. It's been over a year. And I'm antsy and all I can think about is getting away and seeing something fresh, something that is not dull. I want the excitement of new discovery, or even of visiting something that was once familiar and is no longer. But this fucking bullshit of waking up far too early, going to class and learning nothing, wasting the day doing fucking nothing and sleeping alone and cold and unsatisfied and empty-souled is killing me.

I miss Africa. You know, it's really weird. I was at Peter's place the other day and his bathroom smelled like the bathroom in my grandparents' house in Africa. So did his hair. It was kind of creepy, to be honest, but very comforting. I miss walking the dirt path behind the house to the cheap market in the back with the Thai restaurant (wtf) and the bakery and the little video rental shop. I miss the tiny mall with the old movies and crappy popcorn and the coffee shop upstairs where people could smoke. I miss my cousins and my grandparents' dog and using my aunt's ancient computer and wasting time in the living room. I miss the smell (and taste, duh) of my gramma's cooking. No food has ever tasted so goddamn good.

I miss England. I remember the last time I went there (a LONG time ago, we haven't really been in touch with my uncle there...sad times) I couldn't sleep very well but I slept on the top bunk and I could look out the little rectangular window by the ceiling at the sky and look down at the road. I miss playing badminton in the backyard with my cousins. I remember I accidentally put hot mustard instead of normal mustard on my sandwich, and I normally put a LOT of mustard, so I choked pretty bad on that and had to make a new sandwich :x I left my Alcatraz sweatshirt and Maroon 5 CD there on accident. We played soccer in the park with my cousins and Priyanka's friend and her two younger brothers and their dad. All us girls were supposed to go to the mall one day but we got on a train and went down to Southall and hung out with someone's grandma. She gave us chips and soda :)

I'm not ok with this...routine thing. I don't know how I'll ever be able to hold down a stable career. I want every day to be different. I hate doing the same fucking thing twice in a row. I'm sick of obligations and I'm sick of schedules and I'm sick of deadlines and I'm sick of running my life the way other people dictate that it should be run.

I don't know how the fuck I'm going to survive med school. I've always vaguely felt like this but the feeling has gotten so much stronger lately, to the point where every once in a while I find myself completely overwhelmed by it and left incapable of completing the most menial of tasks, just because it's so goddamn distasteful to me.

I mean, I suppose one day I could have the life I want. But it means putting a dream to death. I'd have to give up on my PhD. Focus on my MD and business. Get my business up and running. Don't devote my life to research. Just make lots of money and invest wisely in real estate and stocks and retire early and live out the second half of my life traveling the world and trying to be happy.

But then I think, how long can I keep that up for? Can I be content with giving up a dream?

Maybe this whole obsession is only because I haven't taken a vacation in so goddamn long. Going to fucking San Francisco is NOT a vacation. It's a small, annoying road trip up the state that throws me with my family for 3 awkward days and leaves me asleep on a couch with sweaty thighs (it was so goddamn humid ugh). But we're probably not going to Africa anymore because after the robbery my grandparents and aunt all want to get away. It doesn't look like I'm going to England anytime soon because my uncle hasn't talked to us in years.

And the only person I want to share something beautiful with is impossible to share something beautiful with, because of where we both are in our lives.

FUCK I'm just going to freak out and become a serial killer or something.

2007-11-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

Nobody has enough fire in them these days.

2007-11-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

You're a nut! You're crazy in the coconut!
What does that mean? That boy needs therapy.
I'm gonna kill you, that boy needs therapy.

Happy Diwali. I'm back at my parents' for the weekend. Going home earlyish on Sunday to work on a paper. Spending Monday in a daze, most likely. The fire alarm is right outside my door in this house and I guess the battery's are low so the damn thing beeps every minute and it's driving me insane.

But at least if I light shit on fire tonight, nobody will know until it's too late. Haha jk. But that really is the first thing that ran through my head. Wow.

I fucked up my wrists and elbows somehow. I fear it might be the cold. I say fear because oh wow how old and decrepit do you have to be before the cold starts affecting how much pain you feel in your joints? Apparently not that old. I don't know. I'm wearing two sweatshirts right now and I'm still pretty shivery.

I complain about being cold a lot but really I love the winter. It's the time of 6am smoke and hot chocolate being right any time of the day and snuggling is always a good idea <3 It's really just an excuse for me to put my icy hands on puppy's back and make him jump :)

Life is going good. I aced the shit out of my midterms after driving myself to the brink of mania. Hell, I probably fell into the pit a little bit, but I'm out for now. Reading Ender's Game. Yeah, I, of all people, hadn't read it before now. It's surprising how many classic sf books I haven't read. It's hard to find sf/fantasy writers that I deem amazing, though. I'm playing Zelda very, very slowly. I think I may spend all of next weekend finishing it up so I can start playing Assassin's Creed. Depends on whether or not I come home next weekend. To be honest, I'd rather stay at school. I want a weekend to myself, not devoted to or involving anybody else (well, maybe one).

I start MCAT classes in January. I have to enroll to take the damn test soon. I should really just do it now but I know I'm not going to. And anyway, I forgot the website to do it on :x So I'll just figure it out when I'm back at my apartment and have time to fuck around. I want to take the test in April, on the 19th specifically. I'll figure it out. I'm taking a quarter off from working for LARC to study. Taking 12 units.

I didn't realize just how much time in my schedule work took up. I'm taking 12 units now, and if I didn't have LARC, MWF I wouldn't have to wake up until 11! And I'd only have class for an hour! My Tuesdays and Thursdays would be pretty much the same though. My tentative schedule for next quarter is cell biology MWF from 12-12.50, medical anthropology MWF 2-2.50, and physics lab on Tuesday from 2.30-5.20. YES, THAT'S RIGHT, NO CLASS AT ALL ON THURSDAY. Although TuTh evenings I have MCAT class from 6-9pm so I mean, it's kind of a bleh tradeoff. But it's my future, blah blah. I'm not 100% sure I want to go back to LARC in the spring. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my job. I get to meet a lot of people, I've learned a lot, I get to impart knowledge while reinforcing my own, and I get paid fucking awesome. But it takes up so much time. Not like a normal job where I'm at work and I go home and don't think about work until I go back in again. I have to go to work, go home, go over lecture notes, plan out my lesson plan, etc. I think maybe I'll teach in the spring and then just not teach again my senior year so I can have that year to work on myself as a person, spend more quality time with the people that are important to me, work on my admissions applications, and just fucking breathe for once in my life. It would be really nice to not have school or work or tests or something academic on my mind 24/7. We'll see.

I think it's time to go...waste time.

2007-10-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well now, I get low and I get high,
and if I can't get either, I really try.
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes.
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.

This eating healthy thing is going shit. My life gets in the way too much. I still don't have time for breakfast, no matter how fucking hungry I am in the morning. Lunch takes up at least an hour of my day, which is a huge waste of time. Dinner takes at LEAST 2-3 hours, and that doesn't include the giant fucking mess that's always left behind.

You can give me however many fucking shortcuts you can come up with. I can do all my cooking for the week on Sunday and eat all week without cooking, but then there's still all that cooking on Sunday to do and I just can't do it. And clearly nobody's willing to help me the way that I need help. Every time I ask, I'm either ignored or turned down, which is ridiculous. I'm so sick of people saying one thing and doing another. Goddamn just fucking practice what you preach or don't fucking preach at all, before I knock all your fucking teeth out.

Anyway. Point is, I think I'm throwing in the towel. I just don't have the energy or the patience or the time or the commitment (on my own part or anyone else's) to take care of myself at this point in my life. Maybe in a decade, when I can afford my own cook, but honestly right now my priority is not me in the present, it's me in the future. Yeah, blah blah to get to the future you have to take care of yourself in the present, but if I take care of myself in the present I can't devote myself to my future.

It's easier just to waste away and fix the problem later.

2007-10-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while.

I burned the shit out of my hand. I barely get to see my boyfriend anymore. I'm eating a little bit better than before, but still erratically. My sleep pattern is nonexistent. I feel like I don't have control over anything and things are just spiraling.

I'm losing my voice a little bit everyday because of the smoke. I hope everyone in Irvine and back home and San Diego is okay. The fires are nuts. I'm close to them, but not close enough to be affected by anything other than the shitty air and ash and ridiculous heat. Where's the fall? :(

Nothing seems appealing to me anymore, except sleeping forever. I think they call that death, but I'm not so into the concept right now. Haha what?

I can't wait for next week to be over. Maybe then I can start breathing, figuratively and literally, again.

2007-10-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

In the brown shag carpet of a cheap motel
In the dark and dusty corner by the TV shelf
Is a small reminder of a simpler time
When a crumpled-up pair of trousers lost a brand new dime.

Haven't updated here in a while. Let me share my wisdom now!

If life has taught me one thing, it is to never run away from your problems. Yeah, sure, most of the time you feel like you got away scotfree. But, whether it's karma, or the work of some higher being, or just fucking coincidence, it will catch up to you every fucking time. Same thing goes with lying. Go ahead and lie all you want, white lies or big fat giant purple ones with green polka dots, it will come back to you in the end. It feels immediately easier to just squeeze out a little lie, think "It's no big deal," or just ignore some massive problem and hope that it will go away. But it won't, ever. And in the end, it's much, much harder. And it just isn't worth it.

Besides, seriously, how much of a fucking pussy do you have to be to not just sit there and say "This is my problem, this is my solution, now watch me do it." Or to just be honest. I'm so sick and tired of stupid bitches running around and saying one thing, and then when they're confronted with a situation where they're expected to maybe follow through on that one thing, they chicken out. Because, when it all comes down to it, they're all just stupid bitches who don't have the balls to say what's really on their minds.

Also, I am slowly going to destroy everything and everyone around me until we all just self-destruct. It's kind of a crazy thing to watch.

2007-10-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

Who said loves a bitch'll sit next to me honey
Because this old boat's gonna run aground
I don't want to be the burden
Or your jealous bastard
I don't wanna be the Tarzan of your next epic disaster.

It's funny. Things are funny. They just are. At one point you just have to stand back, push yourself away from everything, and try to see the big picture. And even if you can't see the big picture, if you are someone else looking in on your own life, you just have to giggle a little bit. At least crack a smile. Life is ridiculous. It's full of stupid things we regret, of stupid things we love, of stupid things we relish, of stupid things that set our souls on fire. Life is stupid. And you can't help but laugh at stupid, because it's too damn hard to fix stupid.

At one point, I just have to stop letting everything bother me because if I let it eat away at me any more, I'll spontaneously combust and blow a fuse at the same time. One will cause the other, perhaps. Point is, there's a point I reach where the stress level is too high. Most people would expect my stress level tolerance to be pretty high, considering how I handle my academic career. But not so much, in fact. It's really low. I go numb very quickly when handling intensely overburdened situations. But at the same time that it hinders my emotions, it heightens my logical responses. I just have to take things in stride and deal with them as they come. Start big, finish small, task complete, you know the drill.

I'm not sure that's the correct way to deal with this.

2007-09-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

Everything is machine-like and polished and throbbing with energy but that is not what immediately arrests my attention. What arrests my attention is the fact that this space is inhabited.

It's funny how people can be stupid. How careless they can be.

Anyway, on a less serious note, life is good. I've been spending some time alone lately, and I forgot how much I need it sometimes. Just a few hours to lay around and play games and think and read and work through problems and organize my brain and just relax. Most of the time I hate being alone. I get bored and I get restless and I get angry and the time is wasted. So's my energy, on throwing fits and pacing. But sometimes, like tonight, it's just what I need.

Spent a couple hours playing Zelda. Wasted a few hours online. Made a super late night run to 711 to get some soup and water. Drove with the windows down. I forgot how much I love driving late at night alone and with the windows down. It's most of what I remember from summer of 2006, besides my morning walk through campus smelling grass and drinking coffee. That late night drive was really fucking awesome. Hung out with my roommate for about an hour just talking about random stuff. It was really nice. Now I'm here wasting time online, eating noodles, organizing my life, planning things, relaxing. Even though it's almost 5am, this has been an awesome and revitalizing night that I needed very, very badly.

Pretty sure I'm just going to keep playing Zelda soon. Haha.

2007-09-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

I can never get out of here.
Don't wanna just float in fear.
Dead astronaut in space.

My life has been a little wonky since I moved into my new apartment. Been doing a lot of the same shit, never ending cycle, slowly feeling worse and worse about myself. I'm not massively obese or anything, but I can't stand to be in my own skin and I get tired just walking up the stairs sometimes. This is not ok. I want to feel sexy, I want to feel pretty, I want to feel like I'm worth being loved. I want to be able to look in a mirror while I'm naked. I want to be able to touch my curves and not think of them as excess; I want the girl curves without the fat curves. Right now I've got a little too much of the second kind.

It's hard. Something like this can't just be fixed overnight, which is why the majority of my past attempts have failed (other than my bout with an eating disorder, which was stupid and silly and I'm not likely to repeat that mistake again). I have little to no patience. I want to feel better about myself NOW, but it doesn't happen without a LOT of self-restraint and a lot of hard work. I feel like this time, I'm ready to make the commitment to make myself a better person and finally be able to say that I love myself, mind AND body. Right now, I feel like the two are dissociated - I am a mind trapped in a prison of a body which I hate. I want to be able to be a mind housed in a body that I love, a body that I can begin to treat with some amount of respect, instead of being overtly self-destructive.

Also, I have the best boyfriend in the world.

Other than that, life is pretty boring. Staying at home this week. My mom's birthday is on Thursday! Can't go out for dinner though 'cause my dad and I are on a diet together, so we're going out Saturday night. I've also planned out ALL my meals for the coming week, and I'm going to start packing bentos again, which I am WAY excited for. School starts next Thursday, which is neat. I'm kind of excited for soc and bio and LARC, but not really excited at all for physics. I'm pretty sure I failed the summer class, but I haven't gotten my grade yet and I am way scared to. I know I straight out bombed the final, but my midterm score was pretty awesome, so I don't know. Just wait and see.

I also need to stop by the Kaplan office and see when I can start taking MCAT classes again. I say that, like, every fucking day but I always forget to do it. I wish I was at my apartment right now so I could write it on my little reminder board but hopefully I'll just browse through my blog next week and see this and go do it haha. Oh I'm so silly.

I have a massive headache. I'm going to go watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (AWESOME show, watch it if you don't already) and then go to bed soon. Hurray sleep schedule! Sort of.

2007-09-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

My stomach is fucking killing me.

Moved into my new apartment this weekend. I really love it. Living with two other girls, one is really chill, the other one hasn't moved in yet so I don't know anything about her. My room is huge! The only thing that makes me sad is that it's SO FUCKING HOT IN HERE. The AC makes the rest of the apartment really nice and cool but it doesn't work in my room. Called the office earlier today and left a message about it; just waiting for them to get back to me. Hopefully they will by later today.

Nothing else is really new in my life. But I'm enjoying myself, besides the crippling heat.

2007-08-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of feeling like this. When did the hole get empty again?

I miss feeling like home existed.

2007-08-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

Update on the Youssif story (see my last post).

You can donate to help Youssif out by donating at this page.

A few bucks won't hurt you much, but it could help turn Youssif's life around.

In less interesting news, I aced both my midterms, I've spent most of the past two days sleeping or playing video games, and I have a massive headache. But my life is still pretty good.

2007-08-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

Not a lot of things in life can phase me. I hear about and see some pretty fucking horrible shit, and I've been able to shrug most of it. That's life, shit happens to people who don't deserve it. And it sucks, but it happens.

But sometimes, the world is just a little too fucked up.

"Five-year-old Youssif is scarred for life, his once beautiful smile turned into a grotesquely disfigured face -- the face of a horrifying act by masked men. They grabbed him on a January day outside his central Baghdad home, doused him with gas and set him ablaze."

It's one thing if bad shit happens to adults. I mean, it's not like their entire lives were ruined, just maybe half of it. I'm not saying that excuses fucked up people for doing fucked up shit, but what the hell, it's going to happen anyway.

But this...is a little too fucked up. He had his entire future ahead of him, he wanted to do something with his life. He was proactive, he was happy, and who knows if he'll ever feel that again. And his own mother is beating herself up for letting him go outside to play. Nobody should have to live in conditions where it's too scary to let their kids go outside and play. I know - where we used to live, I was never allowed outside the house to play, it was too dangerous. But it was nothing close to this.

CNN's supposed to keep us updated if any organizations take up his cause. I'm donating. If you can read that article and live with yourself without wanting to help, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Also, the person next door to me needs to shut his bass the FUCK UP because it's giving me a migraine and I can't even take a nap after having been up for 2 days straight. Oh god.

2007-08-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

My future is fucking daunting.

I've reached a point in my life where I feel like, as much as I talk about wanting to accomplish so much and I have so many dreams and blah blah blah, I really haven't done anything. My grades are mediocre at best. Nothing to brag about. I'm not a shoe-in for any medical school. I'm going to have to fight tooth and nail this next year to make sure I get in anywhere.

I am so fucking scared. The first two years of college it was ok to just kind of fuck around and skate through without really going to class and just cramming before midterms and finals. That doesn't work anymore. The only way to make it in the line of work that I want to be in, the only way to have a life that I would enjoy living, is to spend hours every day obsessing, learning, relearning, assessing. I am, after all, a student, am I not? I should have been doing that anyway, but I wasn't.

There are infinite excuses as to why not. I'm preoccupied by my boyfriend, by TV, by books, by video games, by music, by the internet, by drinking, by eating, sleeping, whatever. But none of those are really excuses because I sat by while everything was happening and recognized exactly what I was doing, exactly how I was jeopardizing my future, and I let it happen anyway. Not once did I stand up for myself and say "No, this is not fucking acceptable!" and actually take action. I talked a lot about it, sure, but I never actually did anything.

And now, at this point, I realize that if I'm not going to stand up for myself and for my future, I might as well kill myself. And yes, I'm completely serious.

And that scares the shit out of me. Because if this doesn't work out, I don't have a future, and I really have no reason to live.

2007-08-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

We all know the story about Pandora's box. The stupid bitch opened it and all these horrible things came out, followed by hope, the one hurrah, the exclamation point at the end of her fucking sentence.

The majority of people think hope is a good thing. It keeps you going, it motivates you. It can keep the spark alive, blah blah.

Fuck that noise. It's a stupid bitch who needs to be strangled right fucking now, choked out of you.

I wish I could just give up. But that's not the kind of person I am, unfortunately, and I suffer greatly for that.

In other news, I need help moving because, well, I have nobody to help me move. I'll pay, feed you, whatever. Leave a comment.

2007-08-07T01:12:00.001-07:00

We have lost the art of tongues. We come together. We flit back and forth amongst each others, turning backs and watching them longingly retreat from us, only to come back with a hunger more intense. But as we reach that apex, as we reach that high high point, where bodies smack into each other, we lose the art of tongues.

I don’t speak of the tongues on skin so sensitive we yelp and clutch pillows to our breasts. I speak of the play of tongues on tongues.

We forget the intimacy, the thrill, the sheer ecstacy of bodies laying on bodies, hearts beating through tissues and rattling rib cages. We forget what it is like to feel a hand on a neck for the first time, the shivering nerves from contact at the small of our back. Gone is the demand for a fiery point seeking new territory in the roofs of mouths, the undersides of tongues.

Joined at the hip in a desperate twist to fit, but cloth separates and lips lock in a bend. Engulfed in another in a way so separate, so holy but never praised.

2007-08-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on...

I'm very angry lately. I can't really attribute it to one thing. There's no real reason for me to be so cranky. Well, there's one, but that's not really an excuse. It's not a real reason, something to truly be angry at, just something that's got me on my last nerves. So I guess anything is enough to push me over the edge. And as much as I love the feeling of being angry and the rage and clarity that comes with it, I feel bad for the people around me.

To be honest, I kind of like the person I am when I'm angry. Decisions are easier. Things are distinctly in their own categories, there is no middle ground. People are either stupid fucks or they are not (they mostly are). Everything makes sense when I'm angry. My thoughts are faster. I don't run into contradictions that I bring up myself. There is no confusion. There is no compassion. There is no hesitation. There is lots of patience. I wish I could be angry all the time.

lololololol I want to be the evil villain in my own superhero story.

I got a new phone. It's kind of wonky, but it's cute as hell. I'm going to stop in by the Cingular store, probably tomorrow since I get out of class at like 9.30 in the freaking morning so I have all day to do whatever the fuck I want.

I still can't decide what class to drop for the fall quarter. I'm thinking about dropping soc, so I don't have to sacrifice a bio class, but I'm also not 100% sure I can handle two bio classes, tutoring for a 3rd bio class (which would mean going to that bio lecture) AND physics. Oh god so confusing. Plus soc seems like it would be a lot of fun, and not too difficult. Hell, it actually seems really easy. But ok here's the thing. Soc I can take pretty much whenever; it's an intro class so it's offered frequently. ALSO, it's not the only class I have to take - it's for a breadth requirement, so really I can take whatever class I want from a huge list of them. Physics I need to take, can't even consider dropping it because I want to get it over with so I can start studying for the MCATs like my life depends on it (since it, you know, does). Ok, so then there's the two bio classes. 103 is a basic upper div class, and it's a prereq for a few other classes. 137 is an upper div elective, but it's not offered very often, but it sounds SO FREAKING INTERESTING and I NEED to take it and I'd rather not wait another year to take it. So what the hell do I do! The most obvious solution is to just drop sociology, but I just straight up don't want to. I'm probably going to, though, because I love bio more than soc and it just makes more sense. Ugh.

I want to go to Jack's second show. Somebody take me.

That's it.

2007-08-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when we’re walking,
Oh I like the way we weave,
Circles loop in circles again.
Here I see a shadow,
It’s a flicker ‘round your mouth.
Are you laughing at me or with me?

Great. I'm fucking awake.

Yesterday was shitty. Hadn't slept for two days, pretty much failed two finals. My phone still isn't fucking here. I forgot to turn in my time sheets. I haven't eaten in I don't even know how long, and I'm starving, but I don't want to leave this stupid room. I have a giant pile of dishes to do. My room is such a mess I can barely walk through it. My roommate still hasn't taken out her fucking trash and it smells like hell.

I pretty much give up.

2007-07-28T12:43:00.000-07:00

No lyrics to start out with. Nothing fits right.

Finals are coming up. I have that nervous, swamped feeling but I'm still not under enough pressure to start working. I don't like when exams are in the middle of the week because my sense of timing and necessity gets fucked up. I much prefer Monday/Friday exams.

My life has fallen into an incredibly boring, predictable pattern. And yet I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal, I'm not twitching and fighting to get out of it. For once in my life, I can say that I am pretty consistently happy. It's weird.

My fatass roommate still hasn't taken her fucking trash out. It's been over a week and it reeks like hell. If it comes to it, I will be guilty of homicide.
"Ma'am, why did you mutilate that woman's body and shove various amputated limbs into the toilet?"
"Because she apparently loves to live in filth. I was doing her a favor."
Hahaha. I promise I'll try not to.

2007-07-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sociability, it's hard enough for me.
Take me away form this big bad world,
And agree to marry me,
So we can start over again.

Went to Wal-Mart last night at like 1am to look for cookie cutters for my bento. Freaking Wal-Mart didn't have any cookie cutters. WHAT THE HELL WALMART IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE EVERYTHING. They had bridal veils, but no cookie cutters. Cookie pans and cookie mixes and cookies, but no cookie cutters. Fuck you Wal-Mart. Fuck you.

Anyway. Mirrormask is an awesome movie. Watch it. I've had it for almost exactly a year (Mal and Vee got it for me last summer, I'm like 99% sure) and the screenplay for even longer and I finally watched most of it this weekend (fell asleep in the middle -_-). Amazing.

I'm sitting in the library trying to waste time until lunch. I'm starving and it smells amazing in here, like oatmeal or something. I've got food in my backpack but I should wait until lunchtime to eat it haha. And there's a place with amazing sushi for $5 right outside but then I'll be too full for lunch. Dammit!

Also, I am ridiculously obsessed with bentos. I just got two new ones in the mail yesterday. So cute! And I ordered two little mayo cups for thicker sauces. And the girl sent me two free packs of sushi grass (so cute and pretty! I used one in my lunch for today and they're so nice to look at), a fishy soy sauce bottle, and a tiny little pick for fruit! Ahh I was so happy I squealed a little. Haha. I have 2 now, Peter has 1. Ideally, I'd like 5 - one for each day of the week. Different colors, duh, because I get bored really easily. I wish there was a Japanese store nearby so I could just buy them from there instead of ebay :( I did find a Nightmare Before Christmas one online with a matching bag, though, and I want it so bad but it's like $30! The other 3 I bought were a little over $30 all together! So yeah, not so sure about that.

I'm thinking about starting up a food blog. I cook a lot now, and enjoy doing so. And I like taking pictures of food. I don't have a million + 1 of my own recipes, but I'm working on it. I make amazing potatoes! Haha. Comments, thoughts? Share.

Let's see what else. It's my birthday tomorrow. Pretty much nobody knows. And I'm ok with that. And I don't mind putting that up here because, like, nobody reads this stupid thing.

Who the hell is in the Maldives? Honestly.

2007-07-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

Let's live and die a bit in love.

Midterms came and went. I kicked ass, and totally deserved it after not sleeping for 3 days and going more than a little bit insane. Whatever. Small price to pay. Except now finals are coming up soon so I don't really have very much of a recovery time. Oh shat!

Let's see what else. Life in general is pretty good. Hanging out with Becky and David and Peter a lot haha. Also eating too much. God when did I get so fat.

I really don't care all that much that the 7th Harry Potter book came out. Yes, I have it in my possession, but I also have way better things to do than spend the whole day/night reading it. I'm a big fat nerd, but not that big. Sorry to disappoint.

I can't wait for ochem to be over. Not like that's news to anyone, though. 11 more days. I'm burning my ochem book. I don't care how morally against book-burning I may be, in this case I can make an exception. That book and that course have made my life a living hell for the past year, and I am not that fucking forgiving. But since I can't go out and mass murder all the organic chemists in the world because the work they're doing is actually of some importance, I'll just make my brief little educational/political statement in a fairly quiet way, so it won't really make that big a deal to anyone but me. Oh my soul will be so happy. Assuming the existence of souls. Haha. Whatever.

I watched pretty much the most fucking retarded movie ever today. "Partner." It's an Indian movie. Don't watch it. Seriously. It was supposed to be stupid-funny, but it was really just fucking stupid. What a waste of my 3-4 hours. Ugh.

My gramps is in the hospital. He'll be ok in a roundabout way. Depends on how you look at it.

By the way, I live with a psycho bitch who has some kind of issue with taking out the trash, so I just bought another trash can for myself. Fuck you, I am not some kind of maid to just be taking your trash out whenever you happen to leave it in the middle of the kitchen floor. I will kick your fucking ass. Ugh she pisses me off so bad I just want to bash her face in, but that's not exactly acceptable social behavior and blah blah blah. I also refuse to get anger management help. So kiss my ass, I will revel in my anger.

Um let's see what else. Yeah no that's it.

2007-07-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

Where is my fucking validation?

Thank you very much.

2007-07-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

I want your heart shaped lips, lips
Cooler hula hips,
I want to feel my bones on your bones, baby.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I think "I'm okay. I'm better. I look like a real person, I look human and I look like a woman." Sometimes I feel my curves and they feel like they are mine, like they belong.

But then there are days where I wake up and everything about me screams "I DO NOT BELONG HERE". The detachment between mind and body on these days is infinitely more pronounced. I feel like I'm trapped in my skin, in my bones, in my fat. I feel like I am too much, I take up too much space, I need to starve, I need to waste. I am a disease, cure is death, bla blah.

There is no recovery. No matter what, you're always haunted by that which destroyed you and that which will continue to tear you apart from the inside until the day you die.

2007-07-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

She says I'm boring her camera,
It takes more to delight the cadaver.
Night eyes on icy patrol,
Yours were not so Nazi feline,
Mine were as dead as monks
& our particles are in motion.

So I guess a real update is in order. More because I'm not sure what else to do with myself on this lazy Sunday (although I should be studying - ochem quiz tomorrow =/).

Life is definitely getting better. Slowly, but I think it's inching its way forward. I get really depressed at night for some reason. If I were alone, it might mean something more to me, but I rarely am. Maybe it's a cry for attention. Maybe I'm trying to get all the hugs and the pats on the back and the "its-okay"s that I missed out on. I wasn't really allowed to cry when I was growing up - it was something shameful, pathetic, and weak that you did on your own time and you didn't bother other people with it. I still feel the same way about crying, because it makes sense. I don't like crying in front of other people, and I don't like what I've become. But that hand on your shoulder is much more comforting than I would have ever imagined. More calming than the burning hot spray of a shower when you're curled up on the floor.

I'm still confused. I'm not sure if this is where I want my life to be right now, but at the same time, I've missed the alternative. There's no way to go back in time and change everything. I can't start college over. So all I can do now is make the best of it. That's how I've lived my life so far - if you can't go back and fix it, go forward and fix it. So. Let's see if I can.

It's hard for me to make friends. It didn't used to be. Before high school, I had lots and lots of friends. I was a very social person. Small talk didn't bother me, I smiled a lot, and I didn't have some superiority complex. And then I went to high school and realized how many dumbasses were truly out there. And then I went through my goth/depressed/suicidal phase, and part of that will stay with me forever because I learned a lot. But I also got very used to being isolated. And now, at the time in my life when I really need friends, it's damn near impossible for me to do so.

People keep saying, "You have to make the effort! Call someone!" Yes, well, it's hard to pick up the phone and call someone you haven't spoken to in 3+ years just to talk about the weather in their part of town. More than that, though, there really isn't anyone worth talking to. I'm bored with small talk. I'm sick of high school gossip and who's fucking who and how long you worked out for the other day. I mean, with Peter and Becky and Nirms and them, I'm comfortable enough to talk about stupid shit because they're almost like family. But with new people, I don't want the bullshit. I want to meet someone who can and will challenge me but still knows how to have fun. It's hard to find people like that who actually want to be my friend, on top of it. I don't know if it's worth the hassle. I've basically decided that no, no it's not.

I bought chopsticks :] They make me obscenely happy.

2007-06-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say.

I love my life. I hate my life. I'm on cloud 9 one second, fucking suicidal the next.

I wish I could be consistent. I wish it was easier.

2007-06-17T14:54:00.000-07:00

Does my voice not have wings?
Yours are the only ears I wanna disco
and I say "you are who I'm breathing for".

Moved out yesterday. It took much longer than it should have, and it was incredibly exhausting. And I still haven't finished unpacking everything, and I still have a little bit of stuff at the Exeter apartment, which I have to go pick up on Monday. I also have to call Cox and cancel all services to the old apartment, and call Adbusters and Blender to tell them my new address.

Moving was much less...liberating than I had hoped it would be. Now my apartment just feels cold and lonely. It's so big and I'm basically the only one there right now. I'm sure once Jessica gets back it'll be a bit more lively. It's just very...depressing right now. I don't know. I'm still depressed.

I can't decide what to do for next year. I have to decide, like, now, because I have to move out on Sept. 1 and I *need* a place by then. There's this place that sounds pretty good, but the latest move-in date is Aug. 1. I told them if they could 'hold' the apartment for me for another month I'd pay half the rent for August. Let's see what they say.

I would really, really love a studio apartment. But I feel like if things go bad, I really will become a complete hermit. And I don't want to fall off the face of the earth. And I don't want to be there alone and depressed and fucked up just in case I do something incredibly stupid and end up dead or maimed or I don't know. I don't know why I'm suddenly so fucking petrified of being lonely. It's not like it's a feeling I'm not familiar with. I've been isolated for a lot of my life. Having a lot of friends and actually being satisfied with human interaction don't really come hand in hand. It's only recently that I've felt I could connect to someone on a level deeper than something incredibly superficial, and I'm grateful, but it's also scary.

God why am I such a fucking pussy lately.

2007-06-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

When the Zetas fill the skies
It's just our leaders in disguise
Fully loaded satellites
Will conquer nothing but our minds.

I'm moving in a few hours. Haven't started packing at all. I wish I was more stressed out.

I'm never taking sleeping pills again. Ever. Worst fucking headache I've ever had.

I'm still fucking tired. My body hurts. I don't want to do anything. Just lay down and die.

I hate summer.

2007-06-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Yes is the word to everything
To pain, to torture, to war and destruction.
Yes is the word to everything
To liberty, to sweetness, to peace and construction.

I'm so sick of being depressed. When I sit down and think over the past few months, I realize that yes, I do have a serious problem. Maybe serious enough to be considered a medical condition. But there are also obvious sources for it. My roommate situation, mostly. Not feeling comfortable in the place that you're supposed to live in kind of takes its toll after a while. I haven't slept in over 48 hours, and when I did sleep before that it was fleeting. I have nightmares a lot, now. I never used to even remember my dreams. Now I wake up wanting to cry.

I miss my mom's arms. I miss what it felt like to be a child, to run to your mommy and she'd make everything okay. Dad would make the monsters go away. Mom would run her fingers through your hair and pat your back until you drifted off into pink sweetness. What's unfortunate is that it can never be like that anymore, can it?

I tried to sleep today. I finished my finals at 4.30, got in bed at 5.30 with the intent of waking up tomorrow morning. Slept for a whole 5 minutes. Got out of bed at 7.30, got food and some sleeping pills. I'm scared to take them. I'm very, very tempted to overdose. Which is why I'm just not going to take them. All or nothing, and I don't want to die. I don't think. Not until I see how this pans out.

I don't like being abandoned. I don't like being blown off when I need somebody. And the bitch of it is that I am so fucking proud. I'm my father's daughter. I rarely ask for help, because it's admitting that I can't do something on my own. I hope and pray and dream that the people around me will be perceptive enough to know when I really need someone to be there for me, and I'm always disappointed. Which isn't surprising, but it's still depressing. That fucking word. Depressing. Depressed. Depression. People throw it around a lot. Hell, I used to throw it around a lot. And now I finally understand what it means to be so completely hopeless, so empty, so lonely even when you're surrounded by people. I spent most of today crying for no fucking reason whatsoever. Even now, I have that stupid empty-hole feeling in my chest that you get when you need to sob for hours.

I want to stop this. I want to be able to do what I did in the past and suck it up and get over it, but for once, my pain is bigger than me. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it, blah blah, yeah whatever. But now fucking what? Now you're supposed to get help, right?

I can't do that.

I'm very tired, and I am very alone, and I have never been more sad in my life.

What's really fucking depressing about it is that there's no logical fucking reason. There's no goddamn explanation, nothing I can take and work through and fix and snap my fingers and go "Aha! There you go."

I need somebody stronger than me right now. And I don't think there is anybody that can help me.